The Past Is Never Far

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe I haven't written a post in two months, Holy cow man! I think part is because I was a little down and out. I was looking for work and getting very frustrated with it. Without a job I couldn't really focus 100% on a family. I have been employed for 5 weeks now and I like. It's fairly easy and different than my job in New Jersey. I have people to talk to now, I don't feel so isolated as I did before. I can walk to work, it's 5 blocks away, I get to go home and have lunch with my boys. Things are looking up.  I mean after you've been down so long you can only look up.

We've also just celebrated our first year in California in January, time flies.

It was around this time in February fours years ago that we started to try this whole having a family business. Four years. Four years. I never would have thought that fours years would come and go in a blink of an eye really. This realization just stopped me in my thoughts. First off who really remembers the moment they decide it's time to start a family? Not only do I remember, I can also remember where I was standing in our house. I remember I was a little shocked at first and then so excited, he was ready, we were ready. Then tears every month for the next 30+ months when there was no baby. Tears every time someone announced they were expecting. I can recalled one particular time friends of ours told us they were expecting, I wailed, sobbed and almost screamed. I was unconsolable, I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a red hot knife slicing through  my soul. Why not me? What was so wrong with us? Why did it hurt so bad. And to this very day I still feel so guilty about it. I loved them so very much, the type of friends you can ALWAYS count on. The type of friends that help you pick up the pieces if you let them. I feel so guilty about how I felt. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be happy for us too.

And now we babies are born and we are still childless, watching our friends children grow up, knowing that should we have children they won't grow up with our friends kids, we live a world away it seems at times. A choice we made, I know.

I get so angry sometimes and wonder why this is our burden to bear, what did we do that was so different from everyone else. At times no matter I much I feel that I was meant to be a mom, there are times when, I agree, our burden to bear is to be childless. It will be whatever it is meant to be.

Hope, I just Need A Ray Of That

So it's been awhile. I kept meaning to write but every time i sat down, I just couldn't get the works out. I didn't know where I wanted to go with this post and this blog. I had actually thought about not writing it anymore. I mean you get the point we're infertile and sucks. Boo fricking hoo. So whether or not people read this, I do it for me and if people do read it and can relate well that's a bonus. It's very natural for a woman struggling with infertility to cry or be upset when someone announces their pregnancy. I know I do. It doesn't matter how much I love that couple or how genuinely happy I am for them, it hurts every time. Yesterday was different. Someone announced they were expecting and I didn't cry or get mad. I laughed. I was so surprised and elated and a smile just didn't fit that moment so I laughed. I kept thinking I should be crying or yelling but I couldn't help but feel so happy. I don't know why. I've known her since I was 4 or 5. We haven't seen each other in years but she has reached out to me just to let me know she was there and so was her mom. Now I'm crying, go figure. We grew up together and grew apart in high school. And I can remember how hurt I was thinking that she changed and I had stayed the same. The truth was we both did. I look back at our "break-up" and everything she said was right. I changed first, I drifted away first. I can't believe it took me so long to see it. It's funny how open your mind becomes when you stop at look at yourself. So thank you my friend for having that big heart of yours. My mom says congratulations by the way and she probably already told Nanny, lol. Wow this was not the direction I saw this going when I sat down. It needed to be said. I wanted to do this whole thing on things not to say to infertile couples. But I can save that for another times.