Far Away Coast

Life is full of big moments and, most of them you can't see coming.  There are moments that you know will eventually come and try as you might to ready yourself for them, it still feels like being punched in your stomach, more appropriately dead center of your soul.

The past few months have been a little crazy for us. We had been looking for sometime for a 2 bedroom apartment. We wanted to move out of downtown, some place a little quieter. After what seems like forever, we found a place and fell in love. It was close to all our friends and it had it's own washer and dryer! We were sold. So a few days after we saw the apartment, we went back to sign the lease. We were so excited. I was so excited. I wanted nothing more then to get out of downtown and fast, it was getting creepier by the day. We do the walk through and talk about this and that. I didn't realize I had missed a call from my parents until I went to get a pen from my bag. I saw the missed call and the voicemail and knew that I had to listen to it at that moment. Something told me it couldn't wait. I left Lenny with the landlord and walked into the empty room that would be our bedroom in less then a week and pulled up the voicemail. It was my dad and the message was short "Colleen, it's Dad. Call me back. Tonight." Seven words and they made my heart sink. I hesitated a moment before calling back. Did I want whatever bad news was waiting for me now or later?  I called him back. I was standing in our new apartment, in our new bedroom when I found out my grandfather had a heart attacked and passed away. It seemed like an eternity while I listened to him tell me what happened, listened to him tell me how my brother tried to save him. I remember trying so hard not cry there, not to cry while on the phone with my dad. I wanted so very much to be strong. Long story short, I was and still am devastated. It's been a month and yet it feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.

All the thoughts you think when you lose someone who was such a pillar in your life. I wish I could see him one last time, spoke to him one last time, tell him how thankful I was for so much. I loved him so very much, cared so deeply for him. Is he proud of all the choices I made to make my life better? And I know the answer to all those things without a doubt or second thought is, yes.

Once my Mom went back to work full time to help my Dad support us, my grandparents were there. When I was ever so sick so often when I was little they took care of me. My love for animals I get from them. Once our dog Shadow thought a baby squirrel was a rag doll and I caught her tossing the poor thing about by it's tail. It was grandfather who took it to the vet and nursed it back to health. Animals loved him. When I was little he had this African Grey parrot who hated everyone. He would bit everyone if you got close enough, but he loved my grandfather. The things I have learned from him cannot be measured. He was a great man and he gave his family a great life. He was a staple in our church. His was a life well lived and as Nanny would say, he is well away.

Two weeks prior my aunts had flown in for his 92nd birthday. And then we were all there again for him. I know that made him happy to have everyone there sharing in this life and this love he created with Nanny. He was a Merchant Marine who served during World War II. Never forgot to thank our Veterans, old and young. It was touching when they presented the Flag to Nanny.

I am thankful for all of my cousins, even the ones that aren't McGoverns or even related by blood you all made this difficult time a little more bearable. Whether you sent flowers, made me laugh or just plain let me sob on your shoulder, Thank you, it means more then I ever could properly express. And for the friends that reached out, thank you. And thank you to the dearest ones that took time out of their very busy day to drive an hour in Friday traffic just to be there, you know who you are.

I could never forget my husband who took on the very large task of packing and moving all our stuff into the new place. You are awesome.

I'm not sure what purpose this writing is to serve but I do know that I needed to do it.

21 Days

I had a moment of hesitation when I decided to write this particular blog. I thought what could I possibly say  now that I haven't said before, but the thing is I don't care if I sound like a broken record and if anyone reads this. Obviously I will post it to be read but I have realized now more then ever that this is for me and me alone. This is my therapy my little way to cope with this affliction that life has saddled me with.

So here I sit almost 8 months since I last posted. And I haven't posted for so long simply because there was nothing to say. Nothing had moved forward or backward. Everything was just stagnant, but always hopeful. Always and forever waiting for that little ray of hope in this ever agonizing journey. There was definitely  a moment when I thought what had I done in my life or past life or whatever that was so awful that I should be made to want, to need the one thing that would fill that empty space. My body was just simply designed to not work that way.

I am now so very much annoyed with the way this is going. Filling this page with sweet words to soften the way I feel, to draw sympathy. Being all emotional and watching logic just walk right out the door. All these words are just meant to draw you in so you can feel my pain because at times I want you to hurt just as much as I do. That sounds so horrible and immature of me but, it is so human of me too. I'm sorry (sort of) to be so blunt and honest but I have walked a good portion of my life treading carefully around others and keeping things bottled up and I'm done. As I stated earlier this little blog is for me to cope with being childless for no good reason.

Moving on. So thinking that I needed so pretty amazing karma for this dream to become a reality I started doing things for strangers. First it was just buying everyone coffee  that were behind me in line. I did that a lot and from time to time I still do. After awhile it just wasn't gratifying enough so, I moved on. Now Long Beach, in my ever so humble opinion, is the mecca for the homeless. There are so many. I started buying gift cards for groceries and giving them out. I remember the first time I bought a gift card so my husband to give it away. He gave it to this hippy looking guy with tattoos and he was thankful but, it was his girlfriend who almost cried. I still smile when I think about it. Lenny still "pays it forward" from time to time. He is my soul mate, the constant and unwavering love of my life. 15 years up amazing highs and soul crushing blows. One is always there to pick the other up. So after awhile I stopped giving a shit about karma. I stopped thinking that I was going to rack up all these "good deeds" points and swing life into my favor. The reality is, I'm not doing a good deed, I am being human. I am no better then the person next to me.

I digress. I have rambled on for far too long, not even touching the reason that I started to write. It happens. Sometimes you start to write with one intention and end up writing something completely different.

So I am frustrated. and I had thought it would be bad luck to write this but we've been trying to conceive for 5 and a half years so what bad luck could we possible get from writing this. 21 days this the amount of days that I am late. No positive pregnancy tests. I've taken 3 all different brands. So I made an appointment for today to make sure. What did they have me do, pee in a cup. Which by the way I happened to spill all over myself. Luckily there was just enough left to test. Another negative. What the holy hell is this garbage. The doctor just told me to test again next week. All I could think is what for it will be negative. Day 28 will be no different that days 7,14,15,17 and 21. So now I just have to wait yet another week for disappointment. This is beyond annoying, and I am a little made at myself. I should have waited make the appointment. I am so silly some times to think that this would be at all easy. I know better. It will be filled with medications that make me feel like crap, procedures to make me feel like a biology experiment where I am poked and prodding at. Sigh. I feel better I guess.