Time has this silly habit of flying by. Time it does all sorts of crazy things to you. It makes the greatest time of your life fly by but, Time can make those hard times drag on and seem endless and unbearable. We are only given a set amount of time in this world of ours. What do we do with what we have?
We can get stuck in these loops of fear about decisions we could have, should have, would have made. Did we make the right choice for this or that? Should we have decided this earlier? In the same respect there are the "what ifs." We are all guilty of giving into our fears at one time or another, myself included.
If you let your fears take control you will be stuck with those "What if" moments and sometimes it's too late to overcome them. I think I gave into my fear years ago. I had this notion in my head that I wouldn't be able to have kids. Here I am countless years later and living that fear - everyday. I guess you could say it is more like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have insurance now and I fear that I will spend all this money and put my body through treatments and what if it is all for nothing? So yet again I am at crossroad and I have this huge decision to make. Do I go with infertility treatments and spend a thousands of dollars and have a 50/50 shot of becoming a mom or do I spend thousands of dollars and a few years and adopt?
Would my love be as great and immeasurable as a biological moms would? I think it would be. I love all my friends kids and my cousins kids so much. It has been a great joy to see them all grow. I love my Muffin the most, I love her as if she was my own. I can't say what it is that draws me to her. I just know that watching her grow into a teenager has been amazing. I remember seeing her ultrasound, she was just a little peanut, and suddenly she was here, this mini version of my cousin. Love her.
I cannot deny the pull in my heart for adoption.
We would be put under a microscope, every little detail of our lives combed over to check if we would be good parents. The thought of being denied that privilege terrifies me. It makes my heart seize and my chest gets tight and I stop breathing for the briefest of seconds. You know what? Bottom line is we would be awesome parents. We have these huge hearts and there are rooms waiting to be filled. We have amazing family and friends and their love for us is undeniable. Could we afford adoption and legal fees? It would be expensive but can you put a price on love.
We also just treatment a shot and see if it works, just once. I sometimes wrestle with the notion that maybe we are just meant to be childless but when I close my eyes I see a little girl with long blond hair playing with Sam and being scoped up by us. I see her running to her favorite uncle jumping into his arms. I could never walk away from those visions.
I was recently conversing with a friend discussing all these fears I just mentioned. I just want my East Coast sister to know that you are way stronger than your fears. I give you some credit on helping me find the inner me. It is by total chance that we are friends. Our lives could have gone in so many different directions but if not for those two special men we would have never met. I am thankful for that every single day. When your fears are making it hard to breathe remember this:
That has more depth to it then it appears. And one more for us:
Oh my goodness! I cannot believe I haven't written a post in two months, Holy cow man! I think part is because I was a little down and out. I was looking for work and getting very frustrated with it. Without a job I couldn't really focus 100% on a family. I have been employed for 5 weeks now and I like. It's fairly easy and different than my job in New Jersey. I have people to talk to now, I don't feel so isolated as I did before. I can walk to work, it's 5 blocks away, I get to go home and have lunch with my boys. Things are looking up. I mean after you've been down so long you can only look up.
We've also just celebrated our first year in California in January, time flies.
It was around this time in February fours years ago that we started to try this whole having a family business. Four years. Four years. I never would have thought that fours years would come and go in a blink of an eye really. This realization just stopped me in my thoughts. First off who really remembers the moment they decide it's time to start a family? Not only do I remember, I can also remember where I was standing in our house. I remember I was a little shocked at first and then so excited, he was ready, we were ready. Then tears every month for the next 30+ months when there was no baby. Tears every time someone announced they were expecting. I can recalled one particular time friends of ours told us they were expecting, I wailed, sobbed and almost screamed. I was unconsolable, I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a red hot knife slicing through my soul. Why not me? What was so wrong with us? Why did it hurt so bad. And to this very day I still feel so guilty about it. I loved them so very much, the type of friends you can ALWAYS count on. The type of friends that help you pick up the pieces if you let them. I feel so guilty about how I felt. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be happy for us too.
And now we babies are born and we are still childless, watching our friends children grow up, knowing that should we have children they won't grow up with our friends kids, we live a world away it seems at times. A choice we made, I know.
I get so angry sometimes and wonder why this is our burden to bear, what did we do that was so different from everyone else. At times no matter I much I feel that I was meant to be a mom, there are times when, I agree, our burden to bear is to be childless. It will be whatever it is meant to be.
Well, on January 7th it will be a year since we packed our life up in a truck and drove out to California with the hopes of finding happiness and a better life. Since then we have successfully moved from La Habra to Long Beach. I have to say I was a bit skeptical about moving here. Now that we've settled in, it feels like home and by home I mean it reminds me of living in Roselle Park. I love it, we are really a walk from Downtown and it's really neat to watch Dexter and see the same buildings that are right out our front door.
One of the reasons I chose to the title "Back To The Beginning" is because at times I feel I have drifted from the main focus of this blog. This February it will be 4 years of trying. Even as I type those words, read those words I do feel a bit of shock and sadness. You would think by now that something has got to give. I think of all the options and it breaks my heart because at this moment there really are not any options we could never afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Even if we could there is the possibility that IVF or surrogacy won't work or the adoption could fall through and there are no second chances financially. To be honest I believe something in our lives is off and that is what is keeping us from this dream. Whether it be job wise or some bad juju that is being wished upon us we need to fix something in ourselves for any of it to work. I know that some might think that that is hokey or whatever but, it's my belief and I am entitled to it. And I really am a bit of a mess right now. Job hunting blows, and the isolation of not working or making new friends has made me an emotional disaster. I have made a safety net for myself. I don't reach out to all of my friends like I should. I feel like a little child sometimes, I have a speak when spoken to mentality. I guess in a way I let thinks hurt more than they should. I mean I'm creeping on 34 and I really did think my life would be a bit different then it is right now. Please don't take this as a cry for pity or attention. That is not what I am about. I am a firm believer that only I can change the way I feel. If I want to feel better then I need to shake off my own self pity. Damn I really need a tattoo, that always makes me feel soooo much better.
The other reason, the main reason for this particular post is that while I may be vocal about my personal struggle with infertility others are not. I feel other couples, women mostly, might feel it's taboo to talk about. I know others that have struggled quietly with this. It is a very isolating feeling. How do you go up to a friend (especially if they have children) and say "I'm infertile" or how do you deflect those questions from friends and family "When are you going to start a family?" or "The holidays would be so much better if you had kids." You feel very awkward and defeated. You don't want to be rude and make the other person feel bad by blurting out "Yea, my uterus doesn't work so no kids for us! Lol!" It's frustration and annoying, even more so when someone doesn't take that hint that you don't want to discuss it.
I also think that other infertile women can tell it someone else it going through it. I know because it's happened twice. Those two have gone on to have successful IVF and are now blessed with beautiful children. If you feel like you can share your story with just one person that is not your spouse, do it. It's good for your soul. Never feel like you are alone you would be surprised as to how many couples are in your same position. Don't let it control your life, I have and it is a very hard thing to shake off, push to the back of your mind just so you can enjoy life. I actually write this with one person in mind and I hope they read it.
***I forgot to mention another couple that we had the pleasure of meeting. Although they finally conceived naturally they did not have an easy pregnancy but they have a beautiful boy and I am thankful to have become friends with them****
The last time I wrote a blog I was talking about growing up on the Jersey Shore and no matter where in the world life may take me Jersey will always be home. They have already started rebuilding. On 12-12-12 Chase hosted a benefit concert for Sandy victims and it was amazing to watch. This was one of my favorite performances:
I have been back in forth in my mind about this next topic: Sandy Hook Elementary. Two days after this concert a shooting happened at this school that left 20 first graders and 6 school officials dead. I just want to say that there is no easy answer to this. I will say that the medias coverage is sickening. Stop talking about the shooter and his home life. You are glorifying a monster and that makes you no better. You point the finger everywhere else but take no part of the blame for creating someone like this. You plaster his face everywhere and you think that does not light a fire in someone else? It makes me so mad that I cannot even continue to list all the reasons you stink.
Here is how SNL paid tribute to these families:
And The Voice:
I do not have any children but I have seen mothers bury sons from ages newborn to 32 and there is no accurate way to describe that grief. I will not pretend that I know how they might feel. I think though it would be described as having your soul crushed. Which brings me to let it be known my absolute disgust for the WBC who had planned to picket the funerals saying that it was Gods hand. Really?! You are morons:
Mark 10:13-16
New International Version (NIV)
13 People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them.14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.15 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”16 And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.
Moving on.. So today is the end of the world, according to the Mayans. I saw this from Malissa and needed to share
I'm not sure how this blog is really going to turn out. I've been back and forth about posting anything about the damage from Hurricane Sandy.
Let me first just start off by telling you that no matter where I go in my life New Jersey will always have my heart, my love and my soul. So being 2800 miles away from my friends and family has stirred emotions that I feel that I shouldn't have. I wasn't there when the devastation hit so why do I feel like my heart was ripped from my chest? At moments I feel that I do not have the right to feel that way. But logic wins. I do. I have been watching tons of media images and videos showing what is left of a place that created so many memories.
I have been going to Seaside Heights and Lavallette for as long as I can remember. No matter where you live in New Jersey you visit the Jersey Shore. I remember spending weekends at my grandparents in Toms River and at night we would go over the bridge to Seaside. I remember that excitement as you go over the bridge and you see all the pretty lights, lights that just invited you, welcomed you. They seemed to shout "Magic." I recalled my mother sharing her memories of when she was a child going to Seaside with her family. I remember her saying that the bridge was made out of wood! It scared her to go over that rickety bridge so she would close her eyes. I personally enjoyed when we got stuck on the bridge because it was raised. It was so cool to see it go up and down and watched the boats pass through. We would go to Lucky Leo's and play skee ball. Stop by Mid-Way for their ever so yummy sandwiches, play mini-golf, ride the rides and eat cotton candy. I recall having a stock pile of coins and tickets at home because my mom really wanted to trade them in for a Corning Ware dish. I thing she even got turkey salt and pepper shakers too. She still puts them out every Thanksgiving. I bet some of my cousins didn't know that. Sometimes my cousin Missy would take me and my brother there during the week just to switch up our routine.
If it wasn't going to my grandparents it would be the Spricigos beach house on San Fernando Dr in Lavallette. It was right across from the Monterey Mini Golf. We loved that mini golf. I think one of the reasons was that big water tower there. I remember us throwing stones just the hear the sound. Spend a day at the beach and sometimes head over to Point Pleasant boardwalk.
Of course as you grow up you do those things less and less. You start your own memories with your friends. For North/Central Jersey prom weekend was spent in Seaside. And of course my friends and joined the norm. I think about it now and laugh, we did some silly things that weekend. It was cold and rainy too. And then after high school, if we weren't going to NYC we were going to Seaside or Asbury Park. More crazy times and memories to go along with them. Asbury Park is where I meet my husband. The club we met at has long since been gone. It's a parking lot now. When our relationship started getting serious and we moved in together, we moved to Seaside Park, on 14th Ave. We lived there from September of 2002 to May of 2003. When it rained the road on the Bayside (Bayview) always flooded. We got a pretty decent amount of snow that winter too. So much snow that our friends Jay and Megan who only lived 7 blocks away got snowed in with us! The next morning we all bundled up and went exploring, we walked to the beach and the snow drifts had covered fence posts. It was a memorable time. After that we moved back across the bridge. I tried really hard to stay on the beach but we could find a rental that was big enough.
My apologies I did not intend that trip down memory lane to get as detailed and long as it did. Suffice to say I have made memories there. I am not the only one and know this not every house is just a summer rental. People planted roots there, saved up to live quietly my sea. Mother Nature is an amazing and fickle creature. For all the beauty she provides she also has to power to take it back. That is what happened with Hurricane Sandy. For whatever reason Mother Nature gave the sea to power take it all back. Now all of us that grew going to all the different shore towns, that brought life to those sandy beaches are left with memories of what was. It will never be the same. Our children will not know the Shore as we did. They will grow up and make their own memories of the new Jersey Shore.
The past week has just been filled with these jaw dropping images of not only New Jersey but New York City, Queens and Staten Island. They were all hit hard by the storm. Living on the Northeastern coast I believe we think that hurricanes can't hit us like this. As much as people prepared the areas in general weren't. It was a conversation with my cousin Missy that enlightened me. She and her family now live in Florida. The state itself is ready, electrical boxes are kept underground and poles are made out of stone. In Jersey there are above ground and made out of wood. Scary points for us were not being able to get in touch with family and some friends. All we could see is that it's gone.
It took two before was able to speak with my family. They live in Union county, and still today they are without power. I realized when speaking to my parents they didn't know how bad it really was. With no power, all the stores closed so no newspaper. It was so hard to tell them that so much was gone and that it would never be the same. Even my friend Malissa who lives in Point Pleasant and her mom whose house in on the beach in Manasquan, were in the dark. They could only see the destruction in front of them. They own a restaurant and for the last three or more days they started their own soup kitchen so to speak. Making hot meals for residents of Manasquan and relief workers. They also collected donations for their area. My heart breaks everyday and I wish I could have been there, be there. If you ever went to NJ please donate. Yes, Jerseyans can be gruff but we actually have hearts of gold. For all the jokes that are made about our little state, we take because we are made of stronger stuff. Here a few places that you can go to help the East Coast: If you are on the West Coast go to SendingSunshine.org. Also on Facebook you can go to Restore the Shore and buy their shirts and such. And of course you have the RedCross.org. Don't forget our furry friends aspca.org.
I had started to write a blog the other day talking about our upcoming move and things we were saying goodbye to this time last year. I deleted that because I just need to vent. I don't think I have clearly explained how much the universe and my body just HATE me. I'll sum it up for you with a quickness.
When driving out to California my head was full of all these wonderful dreams about new beginnings, about how California would be where we raise our kids. If you're a dude and you're reading this, stop here because I am going to talk about female things. So of course I'm driving and full of hope and BAM I get my period. I cannot explain how horrendous it is. The pain alone would make one cry. Imagine driving in a truck in the middle of country and there is nothing I can do but suck it up. Dream crushed. But ok move forward. Take that pain, which by the way feels like my insides are being ripped out and they are using a blow torch to do it.
So I will continue on with my sad little tale. I have no doubt that if someone is announcing they are expecting, I will get my period. I do not exaggerate. It is like the whole world has planned this elaborate joke at my expense.
So today and tomorrow we are moving to Long Beach, how exciting. Wait no here comes my period three days early. Am I crying, no. I am so far beyond that point. Fuming mad, livid. Unfucking believable.
No this is not a pity party, this is a LONG overdue rant. I will also include the worst piece of advice I got from a friend: "Why would you kids anyway? When I find out people are pregnant I just laugh because now they can't do anything." Yes that really happened when the one and only time I called her crying but I needed a shoulder. That was the last time I spoke to her. Fuck her and fuck my body for being a douche.
I didn't think I would writing a new blog so soon! The truth is I have been feeling homesick and quite miserable this week. Going back East was all I could think about, I was so lonely and lost. I was slowly letting it consume me. I was missing so many people and things. I was looking everyday to see if could find a cheap flight to go and visit. But with the impending move (hopefully) it just wasn't in the cards. Hopefully after the new year we can visit. Maybe we'll make a trip up to Northern California instead. We shall see. I reached out to someone who could relate. I asked her how she did it. Even though her move was only about two hours from where she grew up, I knew she felt homesick at times too. She cheered me up, as such is her nature, in her own unique way. She also told me to remember all the reasons I left. Such simple words but they meant so much. Thank you Danielle!
I love my family and friends so much so it can be very hard at times to be so far away from people that were/are such and important part of your life. I think did we make the right choice? Was it in vain? Did it happen just a little too fast? I would answer yes and no to all of those questions. Life is what you make it and the roads you choose are what makes life so interesting. I don't regret the move and I never will. I followed my heart. I won't live my life looking back at that moment thinking we should have stayed. Maybe one day the road will lead back to New Jersey or somewhere else on the East Coast. I took a risk and I am grateful that I even had the opportunity to do it.
Now it's been well over a year since we made that choice, since we started that travel blog and started giving away parts of our life in the home we had made. I can't believe how fast it's going by. Although I am not closer at this point to being a mom. I have had the time to search deep inside and think about so many different things. I have felt bruised and broken always asking "Why?" I have also felt complete and at peace. I'm happy and the best things are yet to be.
This is shorter than I intended it to be, however, I'll save the rest for another blog. Sooner rather than later.
