Hope, I just Need A Ray Of That

So it's been awhile. I kept meaning to write but every time i sat down, I just couldn't get the works out. I didn't know where I wanted to go with this post and this blog. I had actually thought about not writing it anymore. I mean you get the point we're infertile and sucks. Boo fricking hoo. So whether or not people read this, I do it for me and if people do read it and can relate well that's a bonus. It's very natural for a woman struggling with infertility to cry or be upset when someone announces their pregnancy. I know I do. It doesn't matter how much I love that couple or how genuinely happy I am for them, it hurts every time. Yesterday was different. Someone announced they were expecting and I didn't cry or get mad. I laughed. I was so surprised and elated and a smile just didn't fit that moment so I laughed. I kept thinking I should be crying or yelling but I couldn't help but feel so happy. I don't know why. I've known her since I was 4 or 5. We haven't seen each other in years but she has reached out to me just to let me know she was there and so was her mom. Now I'm crying, go figure. We grew up together and grew apart in high school. And I can remember how hurt I was thinking that she changed and I had stayed the same. The truth was we both did. I look back at our "break-up" and everything she said was right. I changed first, I drifted away first. I can't believe it took me so long to see it. It's funny how open your mind becomes when you stop at look at yourself. So thank you my friend for having that big heart of yours. My mom says congratulations by the way and she probably already told Nanny, lol. Wow this was not the direction I saw this going when I sat down. It needed to be said. I wanted to do this whole thing on things not to say to infertile couples. But I can save that for another times.

Lost in the Crowd

I waited to write this blog because I wanted to find out about our insurance plan. We received the packet that gives a basic outline of the coverage. I looked through it and it stated that infertility treatments may or may not be covered and if they are covered it would only be partial. It was like a punch in the gut. At the same time I was not surprised. So today I call the insurance company and found out for sure. They will pay to diagnose. They do not pay for infertility treatments. I knew that when we moved out here to start a better life, to follow our hearts, that I would be taking a huge risk changing insurance plans. I left behind one that would pay for everything to one that leaves me speechless. Did I make the wrong choice? Everything pointed to here. I don't even know how to feel right now. So I guess we'll have the testing done again. Maybe a second opinion will help. But then again there isn't not much we would be able to afford if we did get a diagnosis. It's just one day at a time at this point. That's all I really have to say. Sorry it's so short. I just wanted to update the blog.I know it should be longer. I should being expressing my anger, frustrations, sadness, etc. I just don't have it in me. I had prepared myself for this moment. It has now come and gone and I just have to surrender myself to life as it is. I have to have faith from this point on that everything I have done was for nothing.

Anniversary Blog

I really want to take a step back from this up and down roller coaster of emotions and focus on the one thing that endures...love. Today is our five year wedding anniversary but we've been together much longer than that. So let's go back, to 1997. I know as some of you read this you might think that it's really mushy and a bit of overkill to be so in love. I don't care, I am happy and honest enough to admit how I feel and not feel ashamed to express it. Love is a very powerful emotion. I believe it is stronger then hate. Nanny use to say, "You can never hate someone, because you have to have loved them first." And "Don't say you hate, say you dislike intensely." A very wise woman and 30 years later I still remember them. She's taught me a lot and I am forever thankful.

So back to the story. This sounds cliche but it is true, From the first moment I saw Lenny I was immediately pulled to him. Yes, we were still in our teens and yes he was dating my friend. That does not mean we couldn't be friends. So friends we were. I just remember seeing him for the first time and thinking that I have to meet him. He was with a group of his friends so I pointed out the whole group and then I heard "That's my boyfriend Lenny." I remember being a little embarrassed, of course this would be my luck. Amanda and Lenny broke up a few months after that but, still remand friends. I wold see I'm every weekend starting on Friday in Asbury Park and then Saturday night at whatever party was going on. We had fun. As time moved forward we became closer friends. We shared happiness and heartbreak. He stayed single for a while and I started dating. I remember when I introduced Lenny to my boyfriend, Lenny was not a fan and no one my other friends were either. The boyfriend was not a fan on my friendship with Lenny at all. He thought Lenny and I were having a secret relationship. That was crazy talk, I did not drive and Lenny lived an hour away and I spent almost everyday with the boyfriend. He broke up with me a few days before Christmas. His reasons were absurd, I was in love with Lenny (not at the time, we really were friends) and that I was too expensive to date (I paid for everything). The reason I believe is that he was cheating on me with his ex. I think the best line he said was "Hey maybe if we run into each other again and we're single we can get back together." Umm, no.

So after that disaster I just spent more time with my girls and with Lenny. I was in denial with my feelings for him. All my relationships went for bad to worse and I was not thinking about starting a new one at that time. But as you know how I want my life to go and how it actually goes are very different things. I came home from a weekend of partying and was talking to my friend Colleen (yes we have the same name) I was telling her about it and what Lenny and I did and how much fun we had. She told me I was in love with him. I laughed at her and insisted we were just friends. After I got off the phone with her it hit and I knew it was all over. We started to spend even more time with each other. We would to parties without our friends and of course everyone could see what was happening. So in June of 1999 we became a couple. We've been together ever since.

We moved in together in August of 2002 in Seaside Park and then moved to Lakewood followed by our first apartment without room mates in Toms River. After that we bought our house in South Toms River and now here we are in La Habra, California. Each of those places has their own unique stories and memories. They shaped us to who we are today. We continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. On September 9,2006 we went camping to Lake George, NY. It was the first time Lenny ever went camping. It was a very long drive and Lenny seems very anxious. We left at 10pm to drive up there to meet our other friends. We got lost and finally made it to the campsite at 3am. I was very tired and went right to sleep. Lenny stayed up with a few of our friends. Maybe a half hour later he wakes me up. Tells me I have to go see the lake...really?! It's 3am I am not going to see squat. But he insisted and that's when I knew my life was going to change. I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. You would think I would be happy but at that moment my first thought was that this a$$hole is waking me up, I feel dirty, I had no make up on and he wants to propose. I caved and went along with him. He takes me into the woods it's pitch black and he starts running. I felt like I was in a horror movie. We finally get to this clearing with a table with a radio on it and he sits me down. He says how much he loves me and that he made this song me. He presses play and our favorite Rise Against song plays and at the end he asks to marry me. Of course I said yes otherwise the title of this blog would be silly. It was not how I pictured it to be but, it was an evening I won't forget.

Eight months later on May 19, 2007 I married my best friend and I am so blessed. It all started with our love for music. Out of all our aspects of our wedding that we could be anal about it was the music we focused on. Since then we've shared our love for movies and art and everything in between. Every day is a gift. Everyday is an experience and whether we both live to see 100 or die tomorrow I will love him forever even after my heart stops beating. So happy anniversary to my best friend and thank you for each and everyday.

Samson Jamson Dexter Joley Sanchez

I love my dog. He is a pooch with a thousand different ever changing names. Stinkbutt, boy, snugglebug, little man, monkey and monster man just to name a few. He's our boy and despite that fact that he can be an a$hole sometimes he has made us very happy.

When Lenny and I moved in to our first apartment without roommates we knew we wanted a dog. Well at least I did, he wasn't quite so ready. I would spend hours searching for pooches on pet finder. Sometimes Danielle would help and we would sit there together and make all those girl noises you hear when something is just too cute for words. We were in our apartment for two months when we brought him home. I think I like Sams story better then our proposal story.

It was a warm Sunday in October (10/16/05 to be exact) when Brandon and Danielle asked if we wanted to go to Target with them. Sure, why not? The Target in Toms River has a Petco next to it and it just so happened to be adoption Sunday. We did our shopping and Danielle and I told the boys we were going to look. Danielle and Brandon already had Charlie. Lenny made me promise we would not bring home a dog, he still wasn't ready. I promised. So Danielle and I wandered over and were looking at all the pups. We noticed two that were walking together. One was a puppy still black and white, lab-pit mix. And the other was a year old Jack Russell mix named Snoopy. I wanted the puppy. Lenny comes by and the before I can point to the want I liked Snoopy made a bee line for Lenny and it was all over from there. It was Lenny who changed his mind and wanted Snoopy. So we discussed it and applied for him. We were under the impression that we had to wait for our application to be approved so we left. We were a block away when they called us and told us we could bring him home right now! We turned back and brought our boy home.

The car ride home was filled is suggestions for a new name. He didn't look like a Snoopy. Samson was his new name. I know there were so many names we tossed around on the ride home but I don't really remember them. I know Samson is the one we picked. It was until a few weeks later that I learned why his name was Snoopy to begin with...he is so nosey! He tries to get into everything! The first thing we did when we brought him home was introduced him to Charlie. Sam saw Charlie and wanted to let Charlie know we belonged to him so he peed on me lol! A few months later he fell in love with Danielle and peed on her too!

Charlie and Sam became best friends. They enjoyed going for walks in the woods and wrestling and getting muddy together. Once in a while they would even snuggle a little together. However much fun running in the woods behind Silver Ridge was it had it's fair share of bad times. Both of them have been to the vet to have cuts on their pads cleaned and bandaged at least once. Even with Frontline sometimes you have to pull a tick or two off.

The following year we took Sam camping in Lake George, it was the first camping trip for both of them, It was the same camping trip where Lenny proposed. It was cold though! Sam is not a fan of being cold. All he wanted to do was snuggle and he was not picky about who it was. As much as a pain in the butt that he can be sometimes, he is still the sweetest boy and you can't help but to love him. A few years later we moved into our first house. I was so happy that he hard a yard that he could run in without a leash. He did have a learning curve though. The first our second night he was running around and was so excited he forgot about the sliding door and ran into, twice. It is funny now but the God awful sound of his head hitting that door made my heart drop. He was always exploring the yard. Wanted to be friends with the cat that hung around outside. The cat didn't feel the same way and swipe Sam right across the nose. The amount of blood that poured off his face...another scary moment. He also got sprayed but a skunk...twice. Within a few days of each other. He didn't learn and we had to watch him when he was outside at night for a few weeks before the skunk just stopped coming around. Skunk spray stinks like I can't even begin to explain. You have to move fast...really, really fast to get that smell off. baking soda and peroxide was what I found on the interweb for cleaning. But when I mixed it together I felt hot so I just went with the baking soda I think. Even after he was clean there was a little fragrance of skunk on his nose that you could smell if you got close enough.

From the moment he jumped on Lenny in that parking lot our lives have never been the same and in a good way. He has filled our lives with unconditional love. It doesn't matter what trouble he gets into, you can never stay mad at him. All he wants is to love you and be with you. He's goofy and happy and lazy and cuddly. Even at the worst moments in our life he is there, content to just sit with you. He was there for me to cry on when my aunt passed away. He was there a few years later when my parents put Shadow down. And recently when Vinnie passed away. He's been there through every negative test I have ever taken. He is our best friend and our boy. And he saves us. At our darkest moments he is there.