21 Days

I had a moment of hesitation when I decided to write this particular blog. I thought what could I possibly say  now that I haven't said before, but the thing is I don't care if I sound like a broken record and if anyone reads this. Obviously I will post it to be read but I have realized now more then ever that this is for me and me alone. This is my therapy my little way to cope with this affliction that life has saddled me with.

So here I sit almost 8 months since I last posted. And I haven't posted for so long simply because there was nothing to say. Nothing had moved forward or backward. Everything was just stagnant, but always hopeful. Always and forever waiting for that little ray of hope in this ever agonizing journey. There was definitely  a moment when I thought what had I done in my life or past life or whatever that was so awful that I should be made to want, to need the one thing that would fill that empty space. My body was just simply designed to not work that way.

I am now so very much annoyed with the way this is going. Filling this page with sweet words to soften the way I feel, to draw sympathy. Being all emotional and watching logic just walk right out the door. All these words are just meant to draw you in so you can feel my pain because at times I want you to hurt just as much as I do. That sounds so horrible and immature of me but, it is so human of me too. I'm sorry (sort of) to be so blunt and honest but I have walked a good portion of my life treading carefully around others and keeping things bottled up and I'm done. As I stated earlier this little blog is for me to cope with being childless for no good reason.

Moving on. So thinking that I needed so pretty amazing karma for this dream to become a reality I started doing things for strangers. First it was just buying everyone coffee  that were behind me in line. I did that a lot and from time to time I still do. After awhile it just wasn't gratifying enough so, I moved on. Now Long Beach, in my ever so humble opinion, is the mecca for the homeless. There are so many. I started buying gift cards for groceries and giving them out. I remember the first time I bought a gift card so my husband to give it away. He gave it to this hippy looking guy with tattoos and he was thankful but, it was his girlfriend who almost cried. I still smile when I think about it. Lenny still "pays it forward" from time to time. He is my soul mate, the constant and unwavering love of my life. 15 years up amazing highs and soul crushing blows. One is always there to pick the other up. So after awhile I stopped giving a shit about karma. I stopped thinking that I was going to rack up all these "good deeds" points and swing life into my favor. The reality is, I'm not doing a good deed, I am being human. I am no better then the person next to me.

I digress. I have rambled on for far too long, not even touching the reason that I started to write. It happens. Sometimes you start to write with one intention and end up writing something completely different.

So I am frustrated. and I had thought it would be bad luck to write this but we've been trying to conceive for 5 and a half years so what bad luck could we possible get from writing this. 21 days this the amount of days that I am late. No positive pregnancy tests. I've taken 3 all different brands. So I made an appointment for today to make sure. What did they have me do, pee in a cup. Which by the way I happened to spill all over myself. Luckily there was just enough left to test. Another negative. What the holy hell is this garbage. The doctor just told me to test again next week. All I could think is what for it will be negative. Day 28 will be no different that days 7,14,15,17 and 21. So now I just have to wait yet another week for disappointment. This is beyond annoying, and I am a little made at myself. I should have waited make the appointment. I am so silly some times to think that this would be at all easy. I know better. It will be filled with medications that make me feel like crap, procedures to make me feel like a biology experiment where I am poked and prodding at. Sigh. I feel better I guess.