You're All I Notice in a Crowded Room

Well, where do I even begin? I've kind of been lazy about writing...I don't know if I'd call it lazy maybe more busy. Life has just been so different since we moved. And time goes by fast and slow at the same time. There are days that I wish would last forever and days that I want to end before noon.

A year ago I was writing about being late and I was so hopeful that I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't. The last year has been filled with being late like that at least 3 more times. It might be more but I stopped counting. I was taking progesterone to induce a cycle and then clomid to force ovulation, which didn't work.  I think my body was just over it that it just gave the finger to science and did it's own thing. I also stopped listening to it. I was putting so much stock in medicine that I didn't listen. When I finally did listen everything just started to work like it always had. I was so happy and excited, we could finally move forward with the next step, IUI, and we did. There were no surprises everything fell in line so perfectly. We had the IUI done on June 24 and we had to wait an agonizing 2 weeks to see if I would be late.

Two weeks to let your mind wander and wonder. I was walking a fine line between being positive and being real. I had only told a few people. We really wanted to keep it closed in case it didn't work.
Two weeks of holding your breath and hoping. Two weeks to start to start to believe you're normal and not cursed. In the end two weeks is a long time. Yesterday we found out it didn't work.

Two weeks coming to a crashing end. It was a miracle I managed to keep my shit together yesterday. There were moments that I just wanted to put my fist through the computer monitor. I wanted to scream and curl up in to a ball of tears and sob uncontrollably. The stupid things you think about yourself, about your life, which you know is so stupid to do. I'm a failure a disappointment. Blah, blah, blah. Stupid. I let myself fall apart. I needed to not be okay. I need to be mad and cry and curse the universe. I needed to get it out. I am human and that's okay.

I just need one of the those great bear hugs from my grandpa and it would be alright. Yesterday was of those days where every song on the radio was put there just to make your emotions surface. It was also one of those days where you feel like every one if flaunting what you can't have. I know that sounds absurd but, when you just keep being pushed further away from a dream, all you see is what you don't have.

I don't really know how to end this but, this isn't over. We are picking ourselves up and trying again. We also are starting the process to foster to adopt. I know this isn't over for us. If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that we will be parents.

Far Away Coast

Life is full of big moments and, most of them you can't see coming.  There are moments that you know will eventually come and try as you might to ready yourself for them, it still feels like being punched in your stomach, more appropriately dead center of your soul.

The past few months have been a little crazy for us. We had been looking for sometime for a 2 bedroom apartment. We wanted to move out of downtown, some place a little quieter. After what seems like forever, we found a place and fell in love. It was close to all our friends and it had it's own washer and dryer! We were sold. So a few days after we saw the apartment, we went back to sign the lease. We were so excited. I was so excited. I wanted nothing more then to get out of downtown and fast, it was getting creepier by the day. We do the walk through and talk about this and that. I didn't realize I had missed a call from my parents until I went to get a pen from my bag. I saw the missed call and the voicemail and knew that I had to listen to it at that moment. Something told me it couldn't wait. I left Lenny with the landlord and walked into the empty room that would be our bedroom in less then a week and pulled up the voicemail. It was my dad and the message was short "Colleen, it's Dad. Call me back. Tonight." Seven words and they made my heart sink. I hesitated a moment before calling back. Did I want whatever bad news was waiting for me now or later?  I called him back. I was standing in our new apartment, in our new bedroom when I found out my grandfather had a heart attacked and passed away. It seemed like an eternity while I listened to him tell me what happened, listened to him tell me how my brother tried to save him. I remember trying so hard not cry there, not to cry while on the phone with my dad. I wanted so very much to be strong. Long story short, I was and still am devastated. It's been a month and yet it feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.

All the thoughts you think when you lose someone who was such a pillar in your life. I wish I could see him one last time, spoke to him one last time, tell him how thankful I was for so much. I loved him so very much, cared so deeply for him. Is he proud of all the choices I made to make my life better? And I know the answer to all those things without a doubt or second thought is, yes.

Once my Mom went back to work full time to help my Dad support us, my grandparents were there. When I was ever so sick so often when I was little they took care of me. My love for animals I get from them. Once our dog Shadow thought a baby squirrel was a rag doll and I caught her tossing the poor thing about by it's tail. It was grandfather who took it to the vet and nursed it back to health. Animals loved him. When I was little he had this African Grey parrot who hated everyone. He would bit everyone if you got close enough, but he loved my grandfather. The things I have learned from him cannot be measured. He was a great man and he gave his family a great life. He was a staple in our church. His was a life well lived and as Nanny would say, he is well away.

Two weeks prior my aunts had flown in for his 92nd birthday. And then we were all there again for him. I know that made him happy to have everyone there sharing in this life and this love he created with Nanny. He was a Merchant Marine who served during World War II. Never forgot to thank our Veterans, old and young. It was touching when they presented the Flag to Nanny.

I am thankful for all of my cousins, even the ones that aren't McGoverns or even related by blood you all made this difficult time a little more bearable. Whether you sent flowers, made me laugh or just plain let me sob on your shoulder, Thank you, it means more then I ever could properly express. And for the friends that reached out, thank you. And thank you to the dearest ones that took time out of their very busy day to drive an hour in Friday traffic just to be there, you know who you are.

I could never forget my husband who took on the very large task of packing and moving all our stuff into the new place. You are awesome.

I'm not sure what purpose this writing is to serve but I do know that I needed to do it.