Is Forever Enough

Living across the country, away from everyone and everything you grew up with, sometimes makes the holidays a little hard. It's bittersweet. I am not sad as this year comes to a close. I am filled with a renewed sense of hope.

The last 7 years have certainly had their ups and downs but, whose life doesn't? This little life we've built together is no better or worse than anyone else. Yes, not being able to have a child is hard. More difficult than can be explained. There will be worse times ahead and there will be amazing times ahead. That is life.

I think I always knew, right in core of my soul that I would adopt.  It was always just a fleeting thought though. One of those every once in awhile scenarios you think of and how you would handle it. After we moved to California, we began to see signs for adoption all the time. I think we would've started the process earlier but, I needed...we needed to try and go as far as we could with fertility treatments. We needed to be sure that we went as far as we felt necessary, and when I felt that my body and my spirit had been through enough, we opened the door to adoption. I know that we both went back and forth with it. It was the easiest and most difficult decision to make. I know I went back and forth on whether or not to adopt I had at one point ruled it out because of the cost.



With all that being said, we decided to launch a GoFundMe campaign.  We absolutely do not expect that will raise all the money that adoption will cost. We just hope to defer some of the cost.  Here is a link https://www.gofundme.com/sanchezkozzi

We made a little video. All we is that you watch it and share.

A Little Update

The last time a wrote a blog was back in July. I spoke of a failed IUI and the heartbreak it caused. I write yet again about a second failed IUI in August.

This heartbreak is different. We talked about what we would do should it fail. Do we continue with treatments or do we stop? When we realized the second IUI failed we made the decision to stop with treatments. I have been on and off different types of hormones for 5 and 1/2 years and I know my body could not handle all the new meds I would have to take if we did IVF. I still get residual effects from clomid (hot flashes, visual disturbances, etc.) and I haven't taken it in months.  It was not an easy decision, it was not as if we threw our hands in the air out of frustration and just walked about. We thought about it for a long time. We mourned the love we wanted most. It was as if we lost someone we cared so deeply for, we went through the stages of grief. I wanted to scream at the sky, why couldn't the thing that I had always dreamed of since before I could remember not be mine.

The thing is we aren't giving up, we are choosing a different road. We choose adoption. And I cannot tell you how freeing it felt to make that decision. It is an option we had been toying with for over a year. It is something I think we both knew was always meant to happen. We have told our families and most of our friends. You all have been so supportive and excited for us, it is truly a privilege to have you be a part of our lives. So now we start a new crazy journey and I couldn't be more excited.

You're All I Notice in a Crowded Room

Well, where do I even begin? I've kind of been lazy about writing...I don't know if I'd call it lazy maybe more busy. Life has just been so different since we moved. And time goes by fast and slow at the same time. There are days that I wish would last forever and days that I want to end before noon.

A year ago I was writing about being late and I was so hopeful that I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't. The last year has been filled with being late like that at least 3 more times. It might be more but I stopped counting. I was taking progesterone to induce a cycle and then clomid to force ovulation, which didn't work.  I think my body was just over it that it just gave the finger to science and did it's own thing. I also stopped listening to it. I was putting so much stock in medicine that I didn't listen. When I finally did listen everything just started to work like it always had. I was so happy and excited, we could finally move forward with the next step, IUI, and we did. There were no surprises everything fell in line so perfectly. We had the IUI done on June 24 and we had to wait an agonizing 2 weeks to see if I would be late.

Two weeks to let your mind wander and wonder. I was walking a fine line between being positive and being real. I had only told a few people. We really wanted to keep it closed in case it didn't work.
Two weeks of holding your breath and hoping. Two weeks to start to start to believe you're normal and not cursed. In the end two weeks is a long time. Yesterday we found out it didn't work.

Two weeks coming to a crashing end. It was a miracle I managed to keep my shit together yesterday. There were moments that I just wanted to put my fist through the computer monitor. I wanted to scream and curl up in to a ball of tears and sob uncontrollably. The stupid things you think about yourself, about your life, which you know is so stupid to do. I'm a failure a disappointment. Blah, blah, blah. Stupid. I let myself fall apart. I needed to not be okay. I need to be mad and cry and curse the universe. I needed to get it out. I am human and that's okay.

I just need one of the those great bear hugs from my grandpa and it would be alright. Yesterday was of those days where every song on the radio was put there just to make your emotions surface. It was also one of those days where you feel like every one if flaunting what you can't have. I know that sounds absurd but, when you just keep being pushed further away from a dream, all you see is what you don't have.

I don't really know how to end this but, this isn't over. We are picking ourselves up and trying again. We also are starting the process to foster to adopt. I know this isn't over for us. If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that we will be parents.

There Ain't Nothing Like Regret To Remind You You're Alive

Time has this silly habit of flying by. Time it does all sorts of crazy things to you.  It makes the greatest time of your life fly by but, Time can make  those hard times drag on and seem endless and unbearable. We are only given a set amount of time in this world of ours. What do we do with what we have?

We can get stuck in these loops of fear about decisions we could have, should have, would have made. Did we make the right choice for this or that? Should we have decided this earlier? In the same respect there are the "what ifs." We are all guilty of giving into our fears at one time or another, myself included.

If you let your fears take control you will be stuck with those "What if" moments and sometimes it's too late to overcome them. I think I gave into my fear years ago. I had this notion in my head that I wouldn't be able to have kids. Here I am countless years later and living that fear - everyday. I guess you could say it is more like a reoccurring nightmare.

I have insurance now and I fear that I will spend all this money and put my body through treatments and what if it is all for nothing? So yet again I am at crossroad and I have this huge decision to make. Do I go with infertility treatments and spend a thousands of dollars and have a 50/50 shot of becoming a mom or do I spend thousands of dollars and a few years and adopt?

Would my love be as great and immeasurable as a biological moms would? I think it would be. I love all my friends kids and my cousins kids so much. It has been a great joy to see them all grow. I love my Muffin the most, I love her as if she was my own. I can't say what it is that draws me to her. I just know that watching her grow into a teenager has been amazing. I remember seeing her ultrasound, she was just a little peanut, and suddenly she was here, this mini version of my cousin. Love her.

I cannot deny the pull in my heart for adoption.

We would be put under a microscope, every little detail of our lives combed over to check if we would be good parents. The thought of being denied that privilege terrifies me. It makes my heart seize and my chest gets tight and I stop breathing for the briefest of seconds. You know what? Bottom line is we would be awesome parents. We have these huge hearts and there are rooms waiting to be filled. We have amazing family and friends and their love for us is undeniable. Could we afford adoption and legal fees? It would be expensive but can you put a price on love.

We also just treatment a shot and see if it works, just once. I sometimes wrestle with the notion that maybe we are just meant to be childless but when I close my eyes I see a little girl with long blond hair playing with Sam and being scoped up by us. I see her running to her favorite uncle jumping into his arms. I could never walk away from those visions.

I was recently conversing with a friend discussing all these fears I just mentioned. I just want my East Coast sister to know that you are way stronger than your fears. I give you some credit on helping me find the inner me. It is by total chance that we are friends. Our lives could have gone in so many different directions but if not for those two special men we would have never met. I am thankful for that every single day. When your fears are making it hard to breathe remember this:

That has more depth to it then it appears. And one more for us: