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I very recently had a discussion with my husband and our friend during a car ride back from the desert. I've heard the saying you can't love someone if you can't love yourself first. And I don't think that is entirely true. I think it's really easy to love someone. When you meet someone you see them as they are faults and all. You love all those little quirks that make them who they are. And it goes the other way around too. We discussed the faults we find in ourselves. Johnny(our friend) pointed out that I have Lenny and he loves me for who I am and that we are lucky to be a solid team together. And that is absolutely true. I have learned that even the slightest hint of someone being fake or disrespectful, that it's okay to just walk away. You don't have to be perfect for them or anyone else.

Loving yourself is really fucking hard. I internalize so much stuff, I  judge myself so harshly and hold myself to  an unattainable standard. You start to limit yourself.  You hold yourself back from things you use to love to do. It sucks.I would sometimes wonder if the way I feel about myself is because of what the media says you should look like. When I think back I have always felt inadequate and it is not from lack of love or support. It's just something that was always there. I do not hate myself, do not mistake this rambling as that. I am very happy with my life. I am just saying that sometimes it's easy to focus your energy on making someone else feel good that sometimes you forget to do it for yourself.

Here I am, almost 37 and still learning to love myself.  I for sure have days that I have no issues. But I find that I am always learning something new about myself. Everyday I try to embrace those things that I feel self conscious about, you have have too. Otherwise you'll be miserable all the time or you'll feel lost. It's healthy to continuously rediscover, reinvent yourself. Just make sure that you do it for you and no one else. Take the time, pamper yourself, get a tattoo or piercing or a spa day. Dye your hair a crazy color because you want to. Have fun with your life because, when you do, you'll discover you've really loved yourself the whole time.

You're All I Notice in a Crowded Room

Well, where do I even begin? I've kind of been lazy about writing...I don't know if I'd call it lazy maybe more busy. Life has just been so different since we moved. And time goes by fast and slow at the same time. There are days that I wish would last forever and days that I want to end before noon.

A year ago I was writing about being late and I was so hopeful that I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't. The last year has been filled with being late like that at least 3 more times. It might be more but I stopped counting. I was taking progesterone to induce a cycle and then clomid to force ovulation, which didn't work.  I think my body was just over it that it just gave the finger to science and did it's own thing. I also stopped listening to it. I was putting so much stock in medicine that I didn't listen. When I finally did listen everything just started to work like it always had. I was so happy and excited, we could finally move forward with the next step, IUI, and we did. There were no surprises everything fell in line so perfectly. We had the IUI done on June 24 and we had to wait an agonizing 2 weeks to see if I would be late.

Two weeks to let your mind wander and wonder. I was walking a fine line between being positive and being real. I had only told a few people. We really wanted to keep it closed in case it didn't work.
Two weeks of holding your breath and hoping. Two weeks to start to start to believe you're normal and not cursed. In the end two weeks is a long time. Yesterday we found out it didn't work.

Two weeks coming to a crashing end. It was a miracle I managed to keep my shit together yesterday. There were moments that I just wanted to put my fist through the computer monitor. I wanted to scream and curl up in to a ball of tears and sob uncontrollably. The stupid things you think about yourself, about your life, which you know is so stupid to do. I'm a failure a disappointment. Blah, blah, blah. Stupid. I let myself fall apart. I needed to not be okay. I need to be mad and cry and curse the universe. I needed to get it out. I am human and that's okay.

I just need one of the those great bear hugs from my grandpa and it would be alright. Yesterday was of those days where every song on the radio was put there just to make your emotions surface. It was also one of those days where you feel like every one if flaunting what you can't have. I know that sounds absurd but, when you just keep being pushed further away from a dream, all you see is what you don't have.

I don't really know how to end this but, this isn't over. We are picking ourselves up and trying again. We also are starting the process to foster to adopt. I know this isn't over for us. If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that we will be parents.

21 Days

I had a moment of hesitation when I decided to write this particular blog. I thought what could I possibly say  now that I haven't said before, but the thing is I don't care if I sound like a broken record and if anyone reads this. Obviously I will post it to be read but I have realized now more then ever that this is for me and me alone. This is my therapy my little way to cope with this affliction that life has saddled me with.

So here I sit almost 8 months since I last posted. And I haven't posted for so long simply because there was nothing to say. Nothing had moved forward or backward. Everything was just stagnant, but always hopeful. Always and forever waiting for that little ray of hope in this ever agonizing journey. There was definitely  a moment when I thought what had I done in my life or past life or whatever that was so awful that I should be made to want, to need the one thing that would fill that empty space. My body was just simply designed to not work that way.

I am now so very much annoyed with the way this is going. Filling this page with sweet words to soften the way I feel, to draw sympathy. Being all emotional and watching logic just walk right out the door. All these words are just meant to draw you in so you can feel my pain because at times I want you to hurt just as much as I do. That sounds so horrible and immature of me but, it is so human of me too. I'm sorry (sort of) to be so blunt and honest but I have walked a good portion of my life treading carefully around others and keeping things bottled up and I'm done. As I stated earlier this little blog is for me to cope with being childless for no good reason.

Moving on. So thinking that I needed so pretty amazing karma for this dream to become a reality I started doing things for strangers. First it was just buying everyone coffee  that were behind me in line. I did that a lot and from time to time I still do. After awhile it just wasn't gratifying enough so, I moved on. Now Long Beach, in my ever so humble opinion, is the mecca for the homeless. There are so many. I started buying gift cards for groceries and giving them out. I remember the first time I bought a gift card so my husband to give it away. He gave it to this hippy looking guy with tattoos and he was thankful but, it was his girlfriend who almost cried. I still smile when I think about it. Lenny still "pays it forward" from time to time. He is my soul mate, the constant and unwavering love of my life. 15 years up amazing highs and soul crushing blows. One is always there to pick the other up. So after awhile I stopped giving a shit about karma. I stopped thinking that I was going to rack up all these "good deeds" points and swing life into my favor. The reality is, I'm not doing a good deed, I am being human. I am no better then the person next to me.

I digress. I have rambled on for far too long, not even touching the reason that I started to write. It happens. Sometimes you start to write with one intention and end up writing something completely different.

So I am frustrated. and I had thought it would be bad luck to write this but we've been trying to conceive for 5 and a half years so what bad luck could we possible get from writing this. 21 days this the amount of days that I am late. No positive pregnancy tests. I've taken 3 all different brands. So I made an appointment for today to make sure. What did they have me do, pee in a cup. Which by the way I happened to spill all over myself. Luckily there was just enough left to test. Another negative. What the holy hell is this garbage. The doctor just told me to test again next week. All I could think is what for it will be negative. Day 28 will be no different that days 7,14,15,17 and 21. So now I just have to wait yet another week for disappointment. This is beyond annoying, and I am a little made at myself. I should have waited make the appointment. I am so silly some times to think that this would be at all easy. I know better. It will be filled with medications that make me feel like crap, procedures to make me feel like a biology experiment where I am poked and prodding at. Sigh. I feel better I guess.

The Past Is Never Far

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe I haven't written a post in two months, Holy cow man! I think part is because I was a little down and out. I was looking for work and getting very frustrated with it. Without a job I couldn't really focus 100% on a family. I have been employed for 5 weeks now and I like. It's fairly easy and different than my job in New Jersey. I have people to talk to now, I don't feel so isolated as I did before. I can walk to work, it's 5 blocks away, I get to go home and have lunch with my boys. Things are looking up.  I mean after you've been down so long you can only look up.

We've also just celebrated our first year in California in January, time flies.

It was around this time in February fours years ago that we started to try this whole having a family business. Four years. Four years. I never would have thought that fours years would come and go in a blink of an eye really. This realization just stopped me in my thoughts. First off who really remembers the moment they decide it's time to start a family? Not only do I remember, I can also remember where I was standing in our house. I remember I was a little shocked at first and then so excited, he was ready, we were ready. Then tears every month for the next 30+ months when there was no baby. Tears every time someone announced they were expecting. I can recalled one particular time friends of ours told us they were expecting, I wailed, sobbed and almost screamed. I was unconsolable, I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a red hot knife slicing through  my soul. Why not me? What was so wrong with us? Why did it hurt so bad. And to this very day I still feel so guilty about it. I loved them so very much, the type of friends you can ALWAYS count on. The type of friends that help you pick up the pieces if you let them. I feel so guilty about how I felt. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be happy for us too.

And now we babies are born and we are still childless, watching our friends children grow up, knowing that should we have children they won't grow up with our friends kids, we live a world away it seems at times. A choice we made, I know.

I get so angry sometimes and wonder why this is our burden to bear, what did we do that was so different from everyone else. At times no matter I much I feel that I was meant to be a mom, there are times when, I agree, our burden to bear is to be childless. It will be whatever it is meant to be.

Back To The Beginning

Well,  on January 7th it will be a year since we packed our life up in a truck and drove out to California with the hopes of finding happiness and a better life. Since then we have successfully moved from La Habra to Long Beach. I have to say I was a bit skeptical about moving here. Now that we've settled in, it feels like home and by home I mean it reminds me of living in Roselle Park. I love it, we are really a walk from Downtown and it's really neat to watch Dexter and see the same buildings that are right out our front door.

One of the reasons I chose to the title "Back To The Beginning" is because at times I feel I have drifted from the main focus of this blog. This February it will be 4 years of trying. Even as I type those words, read those words I do feel a bit of shock and sadness. You would think by now that something has got to give. I think of all the options and it breaks my heart because at this moment there really are not any options we could never afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Even if we could there is the possibility that IVF or surrogacy won't work or the adoption could fall through and there are no second chances financially. To be honest I believe something in our lives is off and that is what is keeping us from this dream. Whether it be job wise or some bad juju that is being wished upon us we need to fix something in ourselves for any of it to work. I know that some might think that that is hokey or whatever but, it's my belief and I am entitled to it. And I really am a bit of a mess right now. Job hunting blows, and the isolation of not working or making new friends has made me an emotional disaster. I have made a safety net for myself. I don't reach out to all of my friends like I should. I feel like a little child sometimes, I have a speak when spoken to mentality. I guess in a way I let thinks hurt more than they should. I mean I'm creeping on 34 and I really did think my life would be a bit different then it is right now. Please don't take this as a cry for pity or attention. That is not what I am about. I am a firm believer that only I can change the way I feel. If I want to feel better then I need to shake off my own self pity. Damn I really need a tattoo, that always makes me feel soooo much better.

The other reason, the main reason for this particular post is that while I may be vocal about my personal struggle with infertility others are not. I feel other couples, women mostly, might feel it's taboo to talk about. I know others that have struggled quietly with this. It is a very isolating feeling. How do you go up to a friend (especially if they have children) and say "I'm infertile" or how do you deflect those questions from friends and family "When are you going to start a family?" or "The holidays would be so much better if you had kids." You feel very awkward and defeated. You don't want to be rude and make the other person feel bad by blurting out "Yea, my uterus doesn't work so no kids for us! Lol!" It's frustration and annoying, even more so when someone doesn't take that hint that you don't want to discuss it.

I also think that other infertile women can tell it someone else it going through it. I know because it's happened twice. Those two have gone on to have successful IVF and are now blessed with beautiful children. If you feel like you can share your story with just one person that is not your spouse, do it. It's good for your soul. Never feel like you are alone you would be surprised as to how many couples are in your same position. Don't let it control your life, I have and it is a very hard thing to shake off, push to the back of your mind just so you can enjoy life. I actually write this with one person in mind and I hope they read it.

***I forgot to mention another couple that we had the pleasure of meeting. Although they finally conceived naturally they did not have an easy pregnancy but they have a beautiful boy and I am thankful to have become friends with them****

What Light at the End of the Tunnel?

I had started to write a blog the other day talking about our upcoming move and things we were saying goodbye to this time last year. I deleted that because I just need to vent. I don't think I have clearly explained how much the universe and my body just HATE me. I'll sum it up for you with a quickness.
When driving out to California my head was full of all these wonderful dreams about new beginnings, about how California would be where we raise our kids. If you're a dude and you're reading this, stop here because I am going to talk about female things. So of course I'm driving and full of hope and BAM I get my period. I cannot explain how horrendous it is. The pain alone would make one cry. Imagine driving in a truck in the middle of country and there is nothing I can do but suck it up. Dream crushed. But ok move forward. Take that pain, which by the way feels like my insides are being ripped out and they are using a blow torch to do it.
So I will continue on with my sad little tale. I have no doubt that if someone is announcing they are expecting, I will get my period. I do not exaggerate. It is like the whole world has planned this elaborate joke at my expense.
So today and tomorrow we are moving to Long Beach, how exciting. Wait no here comes my period three days early. Am I crying, no. I am so far beyond that point. Fuming mad, livid. Unfucking believable.
No this is not a pity party, this is a LONG overdue rant.  I will also include the worst piece of advice I got from a friend: "Why would you kids anyway? When I find out people are pregnant I just laugh because now they can't do anything." Yes that really happened when the one and only time I called her crying but I needed a shoulder. That was the last time I spoke to her. Fuck her and fuck my body for being a douche.