Untitled

I very recently had a discussion with my husband and our friend during a car ride back from the desert. I've heard the saying you can't love someone if you can't love yourself first. And I don't think that is entirely true. I think it's really easy to love someone. When you meet someone you see them as they are faults and all. You love all those little quirks that make them who they are. And it goes the other way around too. We discussed the faults we find in ourselves. Johnny(our friend) pointed out that I have Lenny and he loves me for who I am and that we are lucky to be a solid team together. And that is absolutely true. I have learned that even the slightest hint of someone being fake or disrespectful, that it's okay to just walk away. You don't have to be perfect for them or anyone else.

Loving yourself is really fucking hard. I internalize so much stuff, I  judge myself so harshly and hold myself to  an unattainable standard. You start to limit yourself.  You hold yourself back from things you use to love to do. It sucks.I would sometimes wonder if the way I feel about myself is because of what the media says you should look like. When I think back I have always felt inadequate and it is not from lack of love or support. It's just something that was always there. I do not hate myself, do not mistake this rambling as that. I am very happy with my life. I am just saying that sometimes it's easy to focus your energy on making someone else feel good that sometimes you forget to do it for yourself.

Here I am, almost 37 and still learning to love myself.  I for sure have days that I have no issues. But I find that I am always learning something new about myself. Everyday I try to embrace those things that I feel self conscious about, you have have too. Otherwise you'll be miserable all the time or you'll feel lost. It's healthy to continuously rediscover, reinvent yourself. Just make sure that you do it for you and no one else. Take the time, pamper yourself, get a tattoo or piercing or a spa day. Dye your hair a crazy color because you want to. Have fun with your life because, when you do, you'll discover you've really loved yourself the whole time.

Is Forever Enough

Living across the country, away from everyone and everything you grew up with, sometimes makes the holidays a little hard. It's bittersweet. I am not sad as this year comes to a close. I am filled with a renewed sense of hope.

The last 7 years have certainly had their ups and downs but, whose life doesn't? This little life we've built together is no better or worse than anyone else. Yes, not being able to have a child is hard. More difficult than can be explained. There will be worse times ahead and there will be amazing times ahead. That is life.

I think I always knew, right in core of my soul that I would adopt.  It was always just a fleeting thought though. One of those every once in awhile scenarios you think of and how you would handle it. After we moved to California, we began to see signs for adoption all the time. I think we would've started the process earlier but, I needed...we needed to try and go as far as we could with fertility treatments. We needed to be sure that we went as far as we felt necessary, and when I felt that my body and my spirit had been through enough, we opened the door to adoption. I know that we both went back and forth with it. It was the easiest and most difficult decision to make. I know I went back and forth on whether or not to adopt I had at one point ruled it out because of the cost.



With all that being said, we decided to launch a GoFundMe campaign.  We absolutely do not expect that will raise all the money that adoption will cost. We just hope to defer some of the cost.  Here is a link https://www.gofundme.com/sanchezkozzi

We made a little video. All we is that you watch it and share.

A Little Update

The last time a wrote a blog was back in July. I spoke of a failed IUI and the heartbreak it caused. I write yet again about a second failed IUI in August.

This heartbreak is different. We talked about what we would do should it fail. Do we continue with treatments or do we stop? When we realized the second IUI failed we made the decision to stop with treatments. I have been on and off different types of hormones for 5 and 1/2 years and I know my body could not handle all the new meds I would have to take if we did IVF. I still get residual effects from clomid (hot flashes, visual disturbances, etc.) and I haven't taken it in months.  It was not an easy decision, it was not as if we threw our hands in the air out of frustration and just walked about. We thought about it for a long time. We mourned the love we wanted most. It was as if we lost someone we cared so deeply for, we went through the stages of grief. I wanted to scream at the sky, why couldn't the thing that I had always dreamed of since before I could remember not be mine.

The thing is we aren't giving up, we are choosing a different road. We choose adoption. And I cannot tell you how freeing it felt to make that decision. It is an option we had been toying with for over a year. It is something I think we both knew was always meant to happen. We have told our families and most of our friends. You all have been so supportive and excited for us, it is truly a privilege to have you be a part of our lives. So now we start a new crazy journey and I couldn't be more excited.

You're All I Notice in a Crowded Room

Well, where do I even begin? I've kind of been lazy about writing...I don't know if I'd call it lazy maybe more busy. Life has just been so different since we moved. And time goes by fast and slow at the same time. There are days that I wish would last forever and days that I want to end before noon.

A year ago I was writing about being late and I was so hopeful that I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't. The last year has been filled with being late like that at least 3 more times. It might be more but I stopped counting. I was taking progesterone to induce a cycle and then clomid to force ovulation, which didn't work.  I think my body was just over it that it just gave the finger to science and did it's own thing. I also stopped listening to it. I was putting so much stock in medicine that I didn't listen. When I finally did listen everything just started to work like it always had. I was so happy and excited, we could finally move forward with the next step, IUI, and we did. There were no surprises everything fell in line so perfectly. We had the IUI done on June 24 and we had to wait an agonizing 2 weeks to see if I would be late.

Two weeks to let your mind wander and wonder. I was walking a fine line between being positive and being real. I had only told a few people. We really wanted to keep it closed in case it didn't work.
Two weeks of holding your breath and hoping. Two weeks to start to start to believe you're normal and not cursed. In the end two weeks is a long time. Yesterday we found out it didn't work.

Two weeks coming to a crashing end. It was a miracle I managed to keep my shit together yesterday. There were moments that I just wanted to put my fist through the computer monitor. I wanted to scream and curl up in to a ball of tears and sob uncontrollably. The stupid things you think about yourself, about your life, which you know is so stupid to do. I'm a failure a disappointment. Blah, blah, blah. Stupid. I let myself fall apart. I needed to not be okay. I need to be mad and cry and curse the universe. I needed to get it out. I am human and that's okay.

I just need one of the those great bear hugs from my grandpa and it would be alright. Yesterday was of those days where every song on the radio was put there just to make your emotions surface. It was also one of those days where you feel like every one if flaunting what you can't have. I know that sounds absurd but, when you just keep being pushed further away from a dream, all you see is what you don't have.

I don't really know how to end this but, this isn't over. We are picking ourselves up and trying again. We also are starting the process to foster to adopt. I know this isn't over for us. If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that we will be parents.

Just a Dream

I had a dream last night. I have had similar dreams that felt real like this but this one felt too real. From what I remember we were back in NJ and back in the house but the house was different but the same. The living room was bright and airy and the kitchen was my parents kitchen. We had six dogs: two corgi's, two bichon frise's and two mini husky's. What they had to do with anything, I don't know but I remember them. So in the dream I wake up and Lenny is there and he asks if I want to hold our son. I ask him "We had the baby?" and he says "yes". He hands me our  six day old son. I could feel his little body, the beat of his heart and the warmth of his skin. I was thinking that this really happened. It felt so REAL. I ask if it was natural or did I have a C-section. Lenny says it was a C-section and they had to cut my leg open. I reached down and I could feel the stitches through my pants. I ask Lenny what did we name him and I saw the name Kennedy written somewhere and hoping that wasn't the name. He tells me "Richard Cameron". Lenny shows me where all the bottles and formula are and how to do the measurements. I thinking about where all this came from I don't remember even going into labor much less having a baby shower. Next thing I knew we were on a train going to Asbury with Jay and Megan and Jenny and Anna. Megan was talking about how she didn't like her job, so I told her to leave and do something else. She's says she did and that she is going to be an intern. Then I woke up and I woke up with wanting nothing more then to fall back asleep. However Sam was whining to go out so up and out I must take him and settle into the bitter reality that it was only a dream.

The Past Is Never Far

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe I haven't written a post in two months, Holy cow man! I think part is because I was a little down and out. I was looking for work and getting very frustrated with it. Without a job I couldn't really focus 100% on a family. I have been employed for 5 weeks now and I like. It's fairly easy and different than my job in New Jersey. I have people to talk to now, I don't feel so isolated as I did before. I can walk to work, it's 5 blocks away, I get to go home and have lunch with my boys. Things are looking up.  I mean after you've been down so long you can only look up.

We've also just celebrated our first year in California in January, time flies.

It was around this time in February fours years ago that we started to try this whole having a family business. Four years. Four years. I never would have thought that fours years would come and go in a blink of an eye really. This realization just stopped me in my thoughts. First off who really remembers the moment they decide it's time to start a family? Not only do I remember, I can also remember where I was standing in our house. I remember I was a little shocked at first and then so excited, he was ready, we were ready. Then tears every month for the next 30+ months when there was no baby. Tears every time someone announced they were expecting. I can recalled one particular time friends of ours told us they were expecting, I wailed, sobbed and almost screamed. I was unconsolable, I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a red hot knife slicing through  my soul. Why not me? What was so wrong with us? Why did it hurt so bad. And to this very day I still feel so guilty about it. I loved them so very much, the type of friends you can ALWAYS count on. The type of friends that help you pick up the pieces if you let them. I feel so guilty about how I felt. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be happy for us too.

And now we babies are born and we are still childless, watching our friends children grow up, knowing that should we have children they won't grow up with our friends kids, we live a world away it seems at times. A choice we made, I know.

I get so angry sometimes and wonder why this is our burden to bear, what did we do that was so different from everyone else. At times no matter I much I feel that I was meant to be a mom, there are times when, I agree, our burden to bear is to be childless. It will be whatever it is meant to be.

Back To The Beginning

Well,  on January 7th it will be a year since we packed our life up in a truck and drove out to California with the hopes of finding happiness and a better life. Since then we have successfully moved from La Habra to Long Beach. I have to say I was a bit skeptical about moving here. Now that we've settled in, it feels like home and by home I mean it reminds me of living in Roselle Park. I love it, we are really a walk from Downtown and it's really neat to watch Dexter and see the same buildings that are right out our front door.

One of the reasons I chose to the title "Back To The Beginning" is because at times I feel I have drifted from the main focus of this blog. This February it will be 4 years of trying. Even as I type those words, read those words I do feel a bit of shock and sadness. You would think by now that something has got to give. I think of all the options and it breaks my heart because at this moment there really are not any options we could never afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Even if we could there is the possibility that IVF or surrogacy won't work or the adoption could fall through and there are no second chances financially. To be honest I believe something in our lives is off and that is what is keeping us from this dream. Whether it be job wise or some bad juju that is being wished upon us we need to fix something in ourselves for any of it to work. I know that some might think that that is hokey or whatever but, it's my belief and I am entitled to it. And I really am a bit of a mess right now. Job hunting blows, and the isolation of not working or making new friends has made me an emotional disaster. I have made a safety net for myself. I don't reach out to all of my friends like I should. I feel like a little child sometimes, I have a speak when spoken to mentality. I guess in a way I let thinks hurt more than they should. I mean I'm creeping on 34 and I really did think my life would be a bit different then it is right now. Please don't take this as a cry for pity or attention. That is not what I am about. I am a firm believer that only I can change the way I feel. If I want to feel better then I need to shake off my own self pity. Damn I really need a tattoo, that always makes me feel soooo much better.

The other reason, the main reason for this particular post is that while I may be vocal about my personal struggle with infertility others are not. I feel other couples, women mostly, might feel it's taboo to talk about. I know others that have struggled quietly with this. It is a very isolating feeling. How do you go up to a friend (especially if they have children) and say "I'm infertile" or how do you deflect those questions from friends and family "When are you going to start a family?" or "The holidays would be so much better if you had kids." You feel very awkward and defeated. You don't want to be rude and make the other person feel bad by blurting out "Yea, my uterus doesn't work so no kids for us! Lol!" It's frustration and annoying, even more so when someone doesn't take that hint that you don't want to discuss it.

I also think that other infertile women can tell it someone else it going through it. I know because it's happened twice. Those two have gone on to have successful IVF and are now blessed with beautiful children. If you feel like you can share your story with just one person that is not your spouse, do it. It's good for your soul. Never feel like you are alone you would be surprised as to how many couples are in your same position. Don't let it control your life, I have and it is a very hard thing to shake off, push to the back of your mind just so you can enjoy life. I actually write this with one person in mind and I hope they read it.

***I forgot to mention another couple that we had the pleasure of meeting. Although they finally conceived naturally they did not have an easy pregnancy but they have a beautiful boy and I am thankful to have become friends with them****

Dani California

I didn't think I would writing a new blog so soon! The truth is I have been feeling homesick and quite miserable this week. Going back East was all I could think about, I was so lonely and lost. I was slowly letting it consume me. I was missing so many people and things. I was looking everyday to see if could find a cheap flight to go and visit. But with the impending move (hopefully) it just wasn't in the cards. Hopefully after the new year we can visit. Maybe we'll make a trip up to Northern California instead. We shall see. I reached out to someone who could relate. I asked her how she did it. Even though her move was only about two hours from where she grew up, I knew she felt homesick at times too. She cheered me up, as such is her nature, in her own unique way. She also told me to remember all the reasons I left. Such simple words but they meant so much. Thank you Danielle!

I love my family and friends so much so it can be very hard at times to be so far away from people that were/are such and important part of your life. I think did we make the right choice? Was it in vain? Did it happen just a little too fast? I would answer yes and no to all of those questions. Life is what you make it and the roads you choose are what makes life so interesting. I don't regret the move and I never will. I followed my heart. I won't live my life looking back at that moment thinking we should have stayed. Maybe one day the road will lead back to New Jersey or somewhere else on the East Coast. I took a risk and I am grateful that I even had the opportunity to do it.

Now it's been well over a year since we made that choice, since we started that travel blog and started giving away parts of our life in the home we had made. I can't believe how fast it's going by. Although I am not closer at this point to being a mom. I have had the time to search deep inside and think about so many different things. I have felt bruised and broken always asking "Why?" I have also felt complete and at peace. I'm happy and the best things are yet to be.

This is shorter than I intended it to be, however, I'll save the rest for another blog. Sooner rather than later.

Hope, I just Need A Ray Of That

So it's been awhile. I kept meaning to write but every time i sat down, I just couldn't get the works out. I didn't know where I wanted to go with this post and this blog. I had actually thought about not writing it anymore. I mean you get the point we're infertile and sucks. Boo fricking hoo. So whether or not people read this, I do it for me and if people do read it and can relate well that's a bonus. It's very natural for a woman struggling with infertility to cry or be upset when someone announces their pregnancy. I know I do. It doesn't matter how much I love that couple or how genuinely happy I am for them, it hurts every time. Yesterday was different. Someone announced they were expecting and I didn't cry or get mad. I laughed. I was so surprised and elated and a smile just didn't fit that moment so I laughed. I kept thinking I should be crying or yelling but I couldn't help but feel so happy. I don't know why. I've known her since I was 4 or 5. We haven't seen each other in years but she has reached out to me just to let me know she was there and so was her mom. Now I'm crying, go figure. We grew up together and grew apart in high school. And I can remember how hurt I was thinking that she changed and I had stayed the same. The truth was we both did. I look back at our "break-up" and everything she said was right. I changed first, I drifted away first. I can't believe it took me so long to see it. It's funny how open your mind becomes when you stop at look at yourself. So thank you my friend for having that big heart of yours. My mom says congratulations by the way and she probably already told Nanny, lol. Wow this was not the direction I saw this going when I sat down. It needed to be said. I wanted to do this whole thing on things not to say to infertile couples. But I can save that for another times.

Anniversary Blog

I really want to take a step back from this up and down roller coaster of emotions and focus on the one thing that endures...love. Today is our five year wedding anniversary but we've been together much longer than that. So let's go back, to 1997. I know as some of you read this you might think that it's really mushy and a bit of overkill to be so in love. I don't care, I am happy and honest enough to admit how I feel and not feel ashamed to express it. Love is a very powerful emotion. I believe it is stronger then hate. Nanny use to say, "You can never hate someone, because you have to have loved them first." And "Don't say you hate, say you dislike intensely." A very wise woman and 30 years later I still remember them. She's taught me a lot and I am forever thankful.

So back to the story. This sounds cliche but it is true, From the first moment I saw Lenny I was immediately pulled to him. Yes, we were still in our teens and yes he was dating my friend. That does not mean we couldn't be friends. So friends we were. I just remember seeing him for the first time and thinking that I have to meet him. He was with a group of his friends so I pointed out the whole group and then I heard "That's my boyfriend Lenny." I remember being a little embarrassed, of course this would be my luck. Amanda and Lenny broke up a few months after that but, still remand friends. I wold see I'm every weekend starting on Friday in Asbury Park and then Saturday night at whatever party was going on. We had fun. As time moved forward we became closer friends. We shared happiness and heartbreak. He stayed single for a while and I started dating. I remember when I introduced Lenny to my boyfriend, Lenny was not a fan and no one my other friends were either. The boyfriend was not a fan on my friendship with Lenny at all. He thought Lenny and I were having a secret relationship. That was crazy talk, I did not drive and Lenny lived an hour away and I spent almost everyday with the boyfriend. He broke up with me a few days before Christmas. His reasons were absurd, I was in love with Lenny (not at the time, we really were friends) and that I was too expensive to date (I paid for everything). The reason I believe is that he was cheating on me with his ex. I think the best line he said was "Hey maybe if we run into each other again and we're single we can get back together." Umm, no.

So after that disaster I just spent more time with my girls and with Lenny. I was in denial with my feelings for him. All my relationships went for bad to worse and I was not thinking about starting a new one at that time. But as you know how I want my life to go and how it actually goes are very different things. I came home from a weekend of partying and was talking to my friend Colleen (yes we have the same name) I was telling her about it and what Lenny and I did and how much fun we had. She told me I was in love with him. I laughed at her and insisted we were just friends. After I got off the phone with her it hit and I knew it was all over. We started to spend even more time with each other. We would to parties without our friends and of course everyone could see what was happening. So in June of 1999 we became a couple. We've been together ever since.

We moved in together in August of 2002 in Seaside Park and then moved to Lakewood followed by our first apartment without room mates in Toms River. After that we bought our house in South Toms River and now here we are in La Habra, California. Each of those places has their own unique stories and memories. They shaped us to who we are today. We continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. On September 9,2006 we went camping to Lake George, NY. It was the first time Lenny ever went camping. It was a very long drive and Lenny seems very anxious. We left at 10pm to drive up there to meet our other friends. We got lost and finally made it to the campsite at 3am. I was very tired and went right to sleep. Lenny stayed up with a few of our friends. Maybe a half hour later he wakes me up. Tells me I have to go see the lake...really?! It's 3am I am not going to see squat. But he insisted and that's when I knew my life was going to change. I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. You would think I would be happy but at that moment my first thought was that this a$$hole is waking me up, I feel dirty, I had no make up on and he wants to propose. I caved and went along with him. He takes me into the woods it's pitch black and he starts running. I felt like I was in a horror movie. We finally get to this clearing with a table with a radio on it and he sits me down. He says how much he loves me and that he made this song me. He presses play and our favorite Rise Against song plays and at the end he asks to marry me. Of course I said yes otherwise the title of this blog would be silly. It was not how I pictured it to be but, it was an evening I won't forget.

Eight months later on May 19, 2007 I married my best friend and I am so blessed. It all started with our love for music. Out of all our aspects of our wedding that we could be anal about it was the music we focused on. Since then we've shared our love for movies and art and everything in between. Every day is a gift. Everyday is an experience and whether we both live to see 100 or die tomorrow I will love him forever even after my heart stops beating. So happy anniversary to my best friend and thank you for each and everyday.