You're All I Notice in a Crowded Room

Well, where do I even begin? I've kind of been lazy about writing...I don't know if I'd call it lazy maybe more busy. Life has just been so different since we moved. And time goes by fast and slow at the same time. There are days that I wish would last forever and days that I want to end before noon.

A year ago I was writing about being late and I was so hopeful that I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't. The last year has been filled with being late like that at least 3 more times. It might be more but I stopped counting. I was taking progesterone to induce a cycle and then clomid to force ovulation, which didn't work.  I think my body was just over it that it just gave the finger to science and did it's own thing. I also stopped listening to it. I was putting so much stock in medicine that I didn't listen. When I finally did listen everything just started to work like it always had. I was so happy and excited, we could finally move forward with the next step, IUI, and we did. There were no surprises everything fell in line so perfectly. We had the IUI done on June 24 and we had to wait an agonizing 2 weeks to see if I would be late.

Two weeks to let your mind wander and wonder. I was walking a fine line between being positive and being real. I had only told a few people. We really wanted to keep it closed in case it didn't work.
Two weeks of holding your breath and hoping. Two weeks to start to start to believe you're normal and not cursed. In the end two weeks is a long time. Yesterday we found out it didn't work.

Two weeks coming to a crashing end. It was a miracle I managed to keep my shit together yesterday. There were moments that I just wanted to put my fist through the computer monitor. I wanted to scream and curl up in to a ball of tears and sob uncontrollably. The stupid things you think about yourself, about your life, which you know is so stupid to do. I'm a failure a disappointment. Blah, blah, blah. Stupid. I let myself fall apart. I needed to not be okay. I need to be mad and cry and curse the universe. I needed to get it out. I am human and that's okay.

I just need one of the those great bear hugs from my grandpa and it would be alright. Yesterday was of those days where every song on the radio was put there just to make your emotions surface. It was also one of those days where you feel like every one if flaunting what you can't have. I know that sounds absurd but, when you just keep being pushed further away from a dream, all you see is what you don't have.

I don't really know how to end this but, this isn't over. We are picking ourselves up and trying again. We also are starting the process to foster to adopt. I know this isn't over for us. If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that we will be parents.

The Past Is Never Far

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe I haven't written a post in two months, Holy cow man! I think part is because I was a little down and out. I was looking for work and getting very frustrated with it. Without a job I couldn't really focus 100% on a family. I have been employed for 5 weeks now and I like. It's fairly easy and different than my job in New Jersey. I have people to talk to now, I don't feel so isolated as I did before. I can walk to work, it's 5 blocks away, I get to go home and have lunch with my boys. Things are looking up.  I mean after you've been down so long you can only look up.

We've also just celebrated our first year in California in January, time flies.

It was around this time in February fours years ago that we started to try this whole having a family business. Four years. Four years. I never would have thought that fours years would come and go in a blink of an eye really. This realization just stopped me in my thoughts. First off who really remembers the moment they decide it's time to start a family? Not only do I remember, I can also remember where I was standing in our house. I remember I was a little shocked at first and then so excited, he was ready, we were ready. Then tears every month for the next 30+ months when there was no baby. Tears every time someone announced they were expecting. I can recalled one particular time friends of ours told us they were expecting, I wailed, sobbed and almost screamed. I was unconsolable, I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a red hot knife slicing through  my soul. Why not me? What was so wrong with us? Why did it hurt so bad. And to this very day I still feel so guilty about it. I loved them so very much, the type of friends you can ALWAYS count on. The type of friends that help you pick up the pieces if you let them. I feel so guilty about how I felt. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be happy for us too.

And now we babies are born and we are still childless, watching our friends children grow up, knowing that should we have children they won't grow up with our friends kids, we live a world away it seems at times. A choice we made, I know.

I get so angry sometimes and wonder why this is our burden to bear, what did we do that was so different from everyone else. At times no matter I much I feel that I was meant to be a mom, there are times when, I agree, our burden to bear is to be childless. It will be whatever it is meant to be.

Back To The Beginning

Well,  on January 7th it will be a year since we packed our life up in a truck and drove out to California with the hopes of finding happiness and a better life. Since then we have successfully moved from La Habra to Long Beach. I have to say I was a bit skeptical about moving here. Now that we've settled in, it feels like home and by home I mean it reminds me of living in Roselle Park. I love it, we are really a walk from Downtown and it's really neat to watch Dexter and see the same buildings that are right out our front door.

One of the reasons I chose to the title "Back To The Beginning" is because at times I feel I have drifted from the main focus of this blog. This February it will be 4 years of trying. Even as I type those words, read those words I do feel a bit of shock and sadness. You would think by now that something has got to give. I think of all the options and it breaks my heart because at this moment there really are not any options we could never afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Even if we could there is the possibility that IVF or surrogacy won't work or the adoption could fall through and there are no second chances financially. To be honest I believe something in our lives is off and that is what is keeping us from this dream. Whether it be job wise or some bad juju that is being wished upon us we need to fix something in ourselves for any of it to work. I know that some might think that that is hokey or whatever but, it's my belief and I am entitled to it. And I really am a bit of a mess right now. Job hunting blows, and the isolation of not working or making new friends has made me an emotional disaster. I have made a safety net for myself. I don't reach out to all of my friends like I should. I feel like a little child sometimes, I have a speak when spoken to mentality. I guess in a way I let thinks hurt more than they should. I mean I'm creeping on 34 and I really did think my life would be a bit different then it is right now. Please don't take this as a cry for pity or attention. That is not what I am about. I am a firm believer that only I can change the way I feel. If I want to feel better then I need to shake off my own self pity. Damn I really need a tattoo, that always makes me feel soooo much better.

The other reason, the main reason for this particular post is that while I may be vocal about my personal struggle with infertility others are not. I feel other couples, women mostly, might feel it's taboo to talk about. I know others that have struggled quietly with this. It is a very isolating feeling. How do you go up to a friend (especially if they have children) and say "I'm infertile" or how do you deflect those questions from friends and family "When are you going to start a family?" or "The holidays would be so much better if you had kids." You feel very awkward and defeated. You don't want to be rude and make the other person feel bad by blurting out "Yea, my uterus doesn't work so no kids for us! Lol!" It's frustration and annoying, even more so when someone doesn't take that hint that you don't want to discuss it.

I also think that other infertile women can tell it someone else it going through it. I know because it's happened twice. Those two have gone on to have successful IVF and are now blessed with beautiful children. If you feel like you can share your story with just one person that is not your spouse, do it. It's good for your soul. Never feel like you are alone you would be surprised as to how many couples are in your same position. Don't let it control your life, I have and it is a very hard thing to shake off, push to the back of your mind just so you can enjoy life. I actually write this with one person in mind and I hope they read it.

***I forgot to mention another couple that we had the pleasure of meeting. Although they finally conceived naturally they did not have an easy pregnancy but they have a beautiful boy and I am thankful to have become friends with them****

Dani California

I didn't think I would writing a new blog so soon! The truth is I have been feeling homesick and quite miserable this week. Going back East was all I could think about, I was so lonely and lost. I was slowly letting it consume me. I was missing so many people and things. I was looking everyday to see if could find a cheap flight to go and visit. But with the impending move (hopefully) it just wasn't in the cards. Hopefully after the new year we can visit. Maybe we'll make a trip up to Northern California instead. We shall see. I reached out to someone who could relate. I asked her how she did it. Even though her move was only about two hours from where she grew up, I knew she felt homesick at times too. She cheered me up, as such is her nature, in her own unique way. She also told me to remember all the reasons I left. Such simple words but they meant so much. Thank you Danielle!

I love my family and friends so much so it can be very hard at times to be so far away from people that were/are such and important part of your life. I think did we make the right choice? Was it in vain? Did it happen just a little too fast? I would answer yes and no to all of those questions. Life is what you make it and the roads you choose are what makes life so interesting. I don't regret the move and I never will. I followed my heart. I won't live my life looking back at that moment thinking we should have stayed. Maybe one day the road will lead back to New Jersey or somewhere else on the East Coast. I took a risk and I am grateful that I even had the opportunity to do it.

Now it's been well over a year since we made that choice, since we started that travel blog and started giving away parts of our life in the home we had made. I can't believe how fast it's going by. Although I am not closer at this point to being a mom. I have had the time to search deep inside and think about so many different things. I have felt bruised and broken always asking "Why?" I have also felt complete and at peace. I'm happy and the best things are yet to be.

This is shorter than I intended it to be, however, I'll save the rest for another blog. Sooner rather than later.

Hope, I just Need A Ray Of That

So it's been awhile. I kept meaning to write but every time i sat down, I just couldn't get the works out. I didn't know where I wanted to go with this post and this blog. I had actually thought about not writing it anymore. I mean you get the point we're infertile and sucks. Boo fricking hoo. So whether or not people read this, I do it for me and if people do read it and can relate well that's a bonus. It's very natural for a woman struggling with infertility to cry or be upset when someone announces their pregnancy. I know I do. It doesn't matter how much I love that couple or how genuinely happy I am for them, it hurts every time. Yesterday was different. Someone announced they were expecting and I didn't cry or get mad. I laughed. I was so surprised and elated and a smile just didn't fit that moment so I laughed. I kept thinking I should be crying or yelling but I couldn't help but feel so happy. I don't know why. I've known her since I was 4 or 5. We haven't seen each other in years but she has reached out to me just to let me know she was there and so was her mom. Now I'm crying, go figure. We grew up together and grew apart in high school. And I can remember how hurt I was thinking that she changed and I had stayed the same. The truth was we both did. I look back at our "break-up" and everything she said was right. I changed first, I drifted away first. I can't believe it took me so long to see it. It's funny how open your mind becomes when you stop at look at yourself. So thank you my friend for having that big heart of yours. My mom says congratulations by the way and she probably already told Nanny, lol. Wow this was not the direction I saw this going when I sat down. It needed to be said. I wanted to do this whole thing on things not to say to infertile couples. But I can save that for another times.

Lost in the Crowd

I waited to write this blog because I wanted to find out about our insurance plan. We received the packet that gives a basic outline of the coverage. I looked through it and it stated that infertility treatments may or may not be covered and if they are covered it would only be partial. It was like a punch in the gut. At the same time I was not surprised. So today I call the insurance company and found out for sure. They will pay to diagnose. They do not pay for infertility treatments. I knew that when we moved out here to start a better life, to follow our hearts, that I would be taking a huge risk changing insurance plans. I left behind one that would pay for everything to one that leaves me speechless. Did I make the wrong choice? Everything pointed to here. I don't even know how to feel right now. So I guess we'll have the testing done again. Maybe a second opinion will help. But then again there isn't not much we would be able to afford if we did get a diagnosis. It's just one day at a time at this point. That's all I really have to say. Sorry it's so short. I just wanted to update the blog.I know it should be longer. I should being expressing my anger, frustrations, sadness, etc. I just don't have it in me. I had prepared myself for this moment. It has now come and gone and I just have to surrender myself to life as it is. I have to have faith from this point on that everything I have done was for nothing.