A Little Update

The last time a wrote a blog was back in July. I spoke of a failed IUI and the heartbreak it caused. I write yet again about a second failed IUI in August.

This heartbreak is different. We talked about what we would do should it fail. Do we continue with treatments or do we stop? When we realized the second IUI failed we made the decision to stop with treatments. I have been on and off different types of hormones for 5 and 1/2 years and I know my body could not handle all the new meds I would have to take if we did IVF. I still get residual effects from clomid (hot flashes, visual disturbances, etc.) and I haven't taken it in months.  It was not an easy decision, it was not as if we threw our hands in the air out of frustration and just walked about. We thought about it for a long time. We mourned the love we wanted most. It was as if we lost someone we cared so deeply for, we went through the stages of grief. I wanted to scream at the sky, why couldn't the thing that I had always dreamed of since before I could remember not be mine.

The thing is we aren't giving up, we are choosing a different road. We choose adoption. And I cannot tell you how freeing it felt to make that decision. It is an option we had been toying with for over a year. It is something I think we both knew was always meant to happen. We have told our families and most of our friends. You all have been so supportive and excited for us, it is truly a privilege to have you be a part of our lives. So now we start a new crazy journey and I couldn't be more excited.

Far Away Coast

Life is full of big moments and, most of them you can't see coming.  There are moments that you know will eventually come and try as you might to ready yourself for them, it still feels like being punched in your stomach, more appropriately dead center of your soul.

The past few months have been a little crazy for us. We had been looking for sometime for a 2 bedroom apartment. We wanted to move out of downtown, some place a little quieter. After what seems like forever, we found a place and fell in love. It was close to all our friends and it had it's own washer and dryer! We were sold. So a few days after we saw the apartment, we went back to sign the lease. We were so excited. I was so excited. I wanted nothing more then to get out of downtown and fast, it was getting creepier by the day. We do the walk through and talk about this and that. I didn't realize I had missed a call from my parents until I went to get a pen from my bag. I saw the missed call and the voicemail and knew that I had to listen to it at that moment. Something told me it couldn't wait. I left Lenny with the landlord and walked into the empty room that would be our bedroom in less then a week and pulled up the voicemail. It was my dad and the message was short "Colleen, it's Dad. Call me back. Tonight." Seven words and they made my heart sink. I hesitated a moment before calling back. Did I want whatever bad news was waiting for me now or later?  I called him back. I was standing in our new apartment, in our new bedroom when I found out my grandfather had a heart attacked and passed away. It seemed like an eternity while I listened to him tell me what happened, listened to him tell me how my brother tried to save him. I remember trying so hard not cry there, not to cry while on the phone with my dad. I wanted so very much to be strong. Long story short, I was and still am devastated. It's been a month and yet it feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.

All the thoughts you think when you lose someone who was such a pillar in your life. I wish I could see him one last time, spoke to him one last time, tell him how thankful I was for so much. I loved him so very much, cared so deeply for him. Is he proud of all the choices I made to make my life better? And I know the answer to all those things without a doubt or second thought is, yes.

Once my Mom went back to work full time to help my Dad support us, my grandparents were there. When I was ever so sick so often when I was little they took care of me. My love for animals I get from them. Once our dog Shadow thought a baby squirrel was a rag doll and I caught her tossing the poor thing about by it's tail. It was grandfather who took it to the vet and nursed it back to health. Animals loved him. When I was little he had this African Grey parrot who hated everyone. He would bit everyone if you got close enough, but he loved my grandfather. The things I have learned from him cannot be measured. He was a great man and he gave his family a great life. He was a staple in our church. His was a life well lived and as Nanny would say, he is well away.

Two weeks prior my aunts had flown in for his 92nd birthday. And then we were all there again for him. I know that made him happy to have everyone there sharing in this life and this love he created with Nanny. He was a Merchant Marine who served during World War II. Never forgot to thank our Veterans, old and young. It was touching when they presented the Flag to Nanny.

I am thankful for all of my cousins, even the ones that aren't McGoverns or even related by blood you all made this difficult time a little more bearable. Whether you sent flowers, made me laugh or just plain let me sob on your shoulder, Thank you, it means more then I ever could properly express. And for the friends that reached out, thank you. And thank you to the dearest ones that took time out of their very busy day to drive an hour in Friday traffic just to be there, you know who you are.

I could never forget my husband who took on the very large task of packing and moving all our stuff into the new place. You are awesome.

I'm not sure what purpose this writing is to serve but I do know that I needed to do it.

Back To The Beginning

Well,  on January 7th it will be a year since we packed our life up in a truck and drove out to California with the hopes of finding happiness and a better life. Since then we have successfully moved from La Habra to Long Beach. I have to say I was a bit skeptical about moving here. Now that we've settled in, it feels like home and by home I mean it reminds me of living in Roselle Park. I love it, we are really a walk from Downtown and it's really neat to watch Dexter and see the same buildings that are right out our front door.

One of the reasons I chose to the title "Back To The Beginning" is because at times I feel I have drifted from the main focus of this blog. This February it will be 4 years of trying. Even as I type those words, read those words I do feel a bit of shock and sadness. You would think by now that something has got to give. I think of all the options and it breaks my heart because at this moment there really are not any options we could never afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Even if we could there is the possibility that IVF or surrogacy won't work or the adoption could fall through and there are no second chances financially. To be honest I believe something in our lives is off and that is what is keeping us from this dream. Whether it be job wise or some bad juju that is being wished upon us we need to fix something in ourselves for any of it to work. I know that some might think that that is hokey or whatever but, it's my belief and I am entitled to it. And I really am a bit of a mess right now. Job hunting blows, and the isolation of not working or making new friends has made me an emotional disaster. I have made a safety net for myself. I don't reach out to all of my friends like I should. I feel like a little child sometimes, I have a speak when spoken to mentality. I guess in a way I let thinks hurt more than they should. I mean I'm creeping on 34 and I really did think my life would be a bit different then it is right now. Please don't take this as a cry for pity or attention. That is not what I am about. I am a firm believer that only I can change the way I feel. If I want to feel better then I need to shake off my own self pity. Damn I really need a tattoo, that always makes me feel soooo much better.

The other reason, the main reason for this particular post is that while I may be vocal about my personal struggle with infertility others are not. I feel other couples, women mostly, might feel it's taboo to talk about. I know others that have struggled quietly with this. It is a very isolating feeling. How do you go up to a friend (especially if they have children) and say "I'm infertile" or how do you deflect those questions from friends and family "When are you going to start a family?" or "The holidays would be so much better if you had kids." You feel very awkward and defeated. You don't want to be rude and make the other person feel bad by blurting out "Yea, my uterus doesn't work so no kids for us! Lol!" It's frustration and annoying, even more so when someone doesn't take that hint that you don't want to discuss it.

I also think that other infertile women can tell it someone else it going through it. I know because it's happened twice. Those two have gone on to have successful IVF and are now blessed with beautiful children. If you feel like you can share your story with just one person that is not your spouse, do it. It's good for your soul. Never feel like you are alone you would be surprised as to how many couples are in your same position. Don't let it control your life, I have and it is a very hard thing to shake off, push to the back of your mind just so you can enjoy life. I actually write this with one person in mind and I hope they read it.

***I forgot to mention another couple that we had the pleasure of meeting. Although they finally conceived naturally they did not have an easy pregnancy but they have a beautiful boy and I am thankful to have become friends with them****

Untitiled

The last time I wrote a blog I was talking about growing up on the Jersey Shore and no matter where in the world life may take me Jersey will always be home. They have already started rebuilding. On 12-12-12 Chase hosted a benefit concert for Sandy victims and it was amazing to watch. This was one of my favorite performances:

I have been back in forth in my mind about this next topic: Sandy Hook Elementary. Two days after this concert a shooting happened at this school that left 20 first graders and 6 school officials dead. I just want to say that there is no easy answer to this. I will say that the medias coverage is sickening. Stop talking about the shooter and his home life. You are glorifying a monster and that makes you no better. You point the finger everywhere else but take no part of the blame for creating someone like this. You plaster his face everywhere and you think that does not light a fire in someone else? It makes me so mad that I cannot even continue to list all the reasons you stink.

Here is how SNL paid tribute to these families:

And The Voice:

I do not have any children but I have seen mothers bury sons from ages newborn to 32 and there is no accurate way to describe that grief. I will not pretend that I know how they might feel. I think though it would be described as having your soul crushed. Which brings me to let it be known my absolute disgust for the WBC who had planned to picket the funerals saying that it was Gods hand. Really?! You are morons:

Mark 10:13-16

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

Moving on.. So today is the end of the world, according to the Mayans. I saw this from Malissa and needed to share

And 

Hope, I just Need A Ray Of That

So it's been awhile. I kept meaning to write but every time i sat down, I just couldn't get the works out. I didn't know where I wanted to go with this post and this blog. I had actually thought about not writing it anymore. I mean you get the point we're infertile and sucks. Boo fricking hoo. So whether or not people read this, I do it for me and if people do read it and can relate well that's a bonus. It's very natural for a woman struggling with infertility to cry or be upset when someone announces their pregnancy. I know I do. It doesn't matter how much I love that couple or how genuinely happy I am for them, it hurts every time. Yesterday was different. Someone announced they were expecting and I didn't cry or get mad. I laughed. I was so surprised and elated and a smile just didn't fit that moment so I laughed. I kept thinking I should be crying or yelling but I couldn't help but feel so happy. I don't know why. I've known her since I was 4 or 5. We haven't seen each other in years but she has reached out to me just to let me know she was there and so was her mom. Now I'm crying, go figure. We grew up together and grew apart in high school. And I can remember how hurt I was thinking that she changed and I had stayed the same. The truth was we both did. I look back at our "break-up" and everything she said was right. I changed first, I drifted away first. I can't believe it took me so long to see it. It's funny how open your mind becomes when you stop at look at yourself. So thank you my friend for having that big heart of yours. My mom says congratulations by the way and she probably already told Nanny, lol. Wow this was not the direction I saw this going when I sat down. It needed to be said. I wanted to do this whole thing on things not to say to infertile couples. But I can save that for another times.

Lost in the Crowd

I waited to write this blog because I wanted to find out about our insurance plan. We received the packet that gives a basic outline of the coverage. I looked through it and it stated that infertility treatments may or may not be covered and if they are covered it would only be partial. It was like a punch in the gut. At the same time I was not surprised. So today I call the insurance company and found out for sure. They will pay to diagnose. They do not pay for infertility treatments. I knew that when we moved out here to start a better life, to follow our hearts, that I would be taking a huge risk changing insurance plans. I left behind one that would pay for everything to one that leaves me speechless. Did I make the wrong choice? Everything pointed to here. I don't even know how to feel right now. So I guess we'll have the testing done again. Maybe a second opinion will help. But then again there isn't not much we would be able to afford if we did get a diagnosis. It's just one day at a time at this point. That's all I really have to say. Sorry it's so short. I just wanted to update the blog.I know it should be longer. I should being expressing my anger, frustrations, sadness, etc. I just don't have it in me. I had prepared myself for this moment. It has now come and gone and I just have to surrender myself to life as it is. I have to have faith from this point on that everything I have done was for nothing.

Anniversary Blog

I really want to take a step back from this up and down roller coaster of emotions and focus on the one thing that endures...love. Today is our five year wedding anniversary but we've been together much longer than that. So let's go back, to 1997. I know as some of you read this you might think that it's really mushy and a bit of overkill to be so in love. I don't care, I am happy and honest enough to admit how I feel and not feel ashamed to express it. Love is a very powerful emotion. I believe it is stronger then hate. Nanny use to say, "You can never hate someone, because you have to have loved them first." And "Don't say you hate, say you dislike intensely." A very wise woman and 30 years later I still remember them. She's taught me a lot and I am forever thankful.

So back to the story. This sounds cliche but it is true, From the first moment I saw Lenny I was immediately pulled to him. Yes, we were still in our teens and yes he was dating my friend. That does not mean we couldn't be friends. So friends we were. I just remember seeing him for the first time and thinking that I have to meet him. He was with a group of his friends so I pointed out the whole group and then I heard "That's my boyfriend Lenny." I remember being a little embarrassed, of course this would be my luck. Amanda and Lenny broke up a few months after that but, still remand friends. I wold see I'm every weekend starting on Friday in Asbury Park and then Saturday night at whatever party was going on. We had fun. As time moved forward we became closer friends. We shared happiness and heartbreak. He stayed single for a while and I started dating. I remember when I introduced Lenny to my boyfriend, Lenny was not a fan and no one my other friends were either. The boyfriend was not a fan on my friendship with Lenny at all. He thought Lenny and I were having a secret relationship. That was crazy talk, I did not drive and Lenny lived an hour away and I spent almost everyday with the boyfriend. He broke up with me a few days before Christmas. His reasons were absurd, I was in love with Lenny (not at the time, we really were friends) and that I was too expensive to date (I paid for everything). The reason I believe is that he was cheating on me with his ex. I think the best line he said was "Hey maybe if we run into each other again and we're single we can get back together." Umm, no.

So after that disaster I just spent more time with my girls and with Lenny. I was in denial with my feelings for him. All my relationships went for bad to worse and I was not thinking about starting a new one at that time. But as you know how I want my life to go and how it actually goes are very different things. I came home from a weekend of partying and was talking to my friend Colleen (yes we have the same name) I was telling her about it and what Lenny and I did and how much fun we had. She told me I was in love with him. I laughed at her and insisted we were just friends. After I got off the phone with her it hit and I knew it was all over. We started to spend even more time with each other. We would to parties without our friends and of course everyone could see what was happening. So in June of 1999 we became a couple. We've been together ever since.

We moved in together in August of 2002 in Seaside Park and then moved to Lakewood followed by our first apartment without room mates in Toms River. After that we bought our house in South Toms River and now here we are in La Habra, California. Each of those places has their own unique stories and memories. They shaped us to who we are today. We continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. On September 9,2006 we went camping to Lake George, NY. It was the first time Lenny ever went camping. It was a very long drive and Lenny seems very anxious. We left at 10pm to drive up there to meet our other friends. We got lost and finally made it to the campsite at 3am. I was very tired and went right to sleep. Lenny stayed up with a few of our friends. Maybe a half hour later he wakes me up. Tells me I have to go see the lake...really?! It's 3am I am not going to see squat. But he insisted and that's when I knew my life was going to change. I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. You would think I would be happy but at that moment my first thought was that this a$$hole is waking me up, I feel dirty, I had no make up on and he wants to propose. I caved and went along with him. He takes me into the woods it's pitch black and he starts running. I felt like I was in a horror movie. We finally get to this clearing with a table with a radio on it and he sits me down. He says how much he loves me and that he made this song me. He presses play and our favorite Rise Against song plays and at the end he asks to marry me. Of course I said yes otherwise the title of this blog would be silly. It was not how I pictured it to be but, it was an evening I won't forget.

Eight months later on May 19, 2007 I married my best friend and I am so blessed. It all started with our love for music. Out of all our aspects of our wedding that we could be anal about it was the music we focused on. Since then we've shared our love for movies and art and everything in between. Every day is a gift. Everyday is an experience and whether we both live to see 100 or die tomorrow I will love him forever even after my heart stops beating. So happy anniversary to my best friend and thank you for each and everyday.