21 Days

I had a moment of hesitation when I decided to write this particular blog. I thought what could I possibly say  now that I haven't said before, but the thing is I don't care if I sound like a broken record and if anyone reads this. Obviously I will post it to be read but I have realized now more then ever that this is for me and me alone. This is my therapy my little way to cope with this affliction that life has saddled me with.

So here I sit almost 8 months since I last posted. And I haven't posted for so long simply because there was nothing to say. Nothing had moved forward or backward. Everything was just stagnant, but always hopeful. Always and forever waiting for that little ray of hope in this ever agonizing journey. There was definitely  a moment when I thought what had I done in my life or past life or whatever that was so awful that I should be made to want, to need the one thing that would fill that empty space. My body was just simply designed to not work that way.

I am now so very much annoyed with the way this is going. Filling this page with sweet words to soften the way I feel, to draw sympathy. Being all emotional and watching logic just walk right out the door. All these words are just meant to draw you in so you can feel my pain because at times I want you to hurt just as much as I do. That sounds so horrible and immature of me but, it is so human of me too. I'm sorry (sort of) to be so blunt and honest but I have walked a good portion of my life treading carefully around others and keeping things bottled up and I'm done. As I stated earlier this little blog is for me to cope with being childless for no good reason.

Moving on. So thinking that I needed so pretty amazing karma for this dream to become a reality I started doing things for strangers. First it was just buying everyone coffee  that were behind me in line. I did that a lot and from time to time I still do. After awhile it just wasn't gratifying enough so, I moved on. Now Long Beach, in my ever so humble opinion, is the mecca for the homeless. There are so many. I started buying gift cards for groceries and giving them out. I remember the first time I bought a gift card so my husband to give it away. He gave it to this hippy looking guy with tattoos and he was thankful but, it was his girlfriend who almost cried. I still smile when I think about it. Lenny still "pays it forward" from time to time. He is my soul mate, the constant and unwavering love of my life. 15 years up amazing highs and soul crushing blows. One is always there to pick the other up. So after awhile I stopped giving a shit about karma. I stopped thinking that I was going to rack up all these "good deeds" points and swing life into my favor. The reality is, I'm not doing a good deed, I am being human. I am no better then the person next to me.

I digress. I have rambled on for far too long, not even touching the reason that I started to write. It happens. Sometimes you start to write with one intention and end up writing something completely different.

So I am frustrated. and I had thought it would be bad luck to write this but we've been trying to conceive for 5 and a half years so what bad luck could we possible get from writing this. 21 days this the amount of days that I am late. No positive pregnancy tests. I've taken 3 all different brands. So I made an appointment for today to make sure. What did they have me do, pee in a cup. Which by the way I happened to spill all over myself. Luckily there was just enough left to test. Another negative. What the holy hell is this garbage. The doctor just told me to test again next week. All I could think is what for it will be negative. Day 28 will be no different that days 7,14,15,17 and 21. So now I just have to wait yet another week for disappointment. This is beyond annoying, and I am a little made at myself. I should have waited make the appointment. I am so silly some times to think that this would be at all easy. I know better. It will be filled with medications that make me feel like crap, procedures to make me feel like a biology experiment where I am poked and prodding at. Sigh. I feel better I guess.

The Past Is Never Far

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe I haven't written a post in two months, Holy cow man! I think part is because I was a little down and out. I was looking for work and getting very frustrated with it. Without a job I couldn't really focus 100% on a family. I have been employed for 5 weeks now and I like. It's fairly easy and different than my job in New Jersey. I have people to talk to now, I don't feel so isolated as I did before. I can walk to work, it's 5 blocks away, I get to go home and have lunch with my boys. Things are looking up.  I mean after you've been down so long you can only look up.

We've also just celebrated our first year in California in January, time flies.

It was around this time in February fours years ago that we started to try this whole having a family business. Four years. Four years. I never would have thought that fours years would come and go in a blink of an eye really. This realization just stopped me in my thoughts. First off who really remembers the moment they decide it's time to start a family? Not only do I remember, I can also remember where I was standing in our house. I remember I was a little shocked at first and then so excited, he was ready, we were ready. Then tears every month for the next 30+ months when there was no baby. Tears every time someone announced they were expecting. I can recalled one particular time friends of ours told us they were expecting, I wailed, sobbed and almost screamed. I was unconsolable, I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a red hot knife slicing through  my soul. Why not me? What was so wrong with us? Why did it hurt so bad. And to this very day I still feel so guilty about it. I loved them so very much, the type of friends you can ALWAYS count on. The type of friends that help you pick up the pieces if you let them. I feel so guilty about how I felt. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be happy for us too.

And now we babies are born and we are still childless, watching our friends children grow up, knowing that should we have children they won't grow up with our friends kids, we live a world away it seems at times. A choice we made, I know.

I get so angry sometimes and wonder why this is our burden to bear, what did we do that was so different from everyone else. At times no matter I much I feel that I was meant to be a mom, there are times when, I agree, our burden to bear is to be childless. It will be whatever it is meant to be.

What Light at the End of the Tunnel?

I had started to write a blog the other day talking about our upcoming move and things we were saying goodbye to this time last year. I deleted that because I just need to vent. I don't think I have clearly explained how much the universe and my body just HATE me. I'll sum it up for you with a quickness.
When driving out to California my head was full of all these wonderful dreams about new beginnings, about how California would be where we raise our kids. If you're a dude and you're reading this, stop here because I am going to talk about female things. So of course I'm driving and full of hope and BAM I get my period. I cannot explain how horrendous it is. The pain alone would make one cry. Imagine driving in a truck in the middle of country and there is nothing I can do but suck it up. Dream crushed. But ok move forward. Take that pain, which by the way feels like my insides are being ripped out and they are using a blow torch to do it.
So I will continue on with my sad little tale. I have no doubt that if someone is announcing they are expecting, I will get my period. I do not exaggerate. It is like the whole world has planned this elaborate joke at my expense.
So today and tomorrow we are moving to Long Beach, how exciting. Wait no here comes my period three days early. Am I crying, no. I am so far beyond that point. Fuming mad, livid. Unfucking believable.
No this is not a pity party, this is a LONG overdue rant.  I will also include the worst piece of advice I got from a friend: "Why would you kids anyway? When I find out people are pregnant I just laugh because now they can't do anything." Yes that really happened when the one and only time I called her crying but I needed a shoulder. That was the last time I spoke to her. Fuck her and fuck my body for being a douche.