Just a Dream

I had a dream last night. I have had similar dreams that felt real like this but this one felt too real. From what I remember we were back in NJ and back in the house but the house was different but the same. The living room was bright and airy and the kitchen was my parents kitchen. We had six dogs: two corgi's, two bichon frise's and two mini husky's. What they had to do with anything, I don't know but I remember them. So in the dream I wake up and Lenny is there and he asks if I want to hold our son. I ask him "We had the baby?" and he says "yes". He hands me our  six day old son. I could feel his little body, the beat of his heart and the warmth of his skin. I was thinking that this really happened. It felt so REAL. I ask if it was natural or did I have a C-section. Lenny says it was a C-section and they had to cut my leg open. I reached down and I could feel the stitches through my pants. I ask Lenny what did we name him and I saw the name Kennedy written somewhere and hoping that wasn't the name. He tells me "Richard Cameron". Lenny shows me where all the bottles and formula are and how to do the measurements. I thinking about where all this came from I don't remember even going into labor much less having a baby shower. Next thing I knew we were on a train going to Asbury with Jay and Megan and Jenny and Anna. Megan was talking about how she didn't like her job, so I told her to leave and do something else. She's says she did and that she is going to be an intern. Then I woke up and I woke up with wanting nothing more then to fall back asleep. However Sam was whining to go out so up and out I must take him and settle into the bitter reality that it was only a dream.

There Ain't Nothing Like Regret To Remind You You're Alive

Time has this silly habit of flying by. Time it does all sorts of crazy things to you.  It makes the greatest time of your life fly by but, Time can make  those hard times drag on and seem endless and unbearable. We are only given a set amount of time in this world of ours. What do we do with what we have?

We can get stuck in these loops of fear about decisions we could have, should have, would have made. Did we make the right choice for this or that? Should we have decided this earlier? In the same respect there are the "what ifs." We are all guilty of giving into our fears at one time or another, myself included.

If you let your fears take control you will be stuck with those "What if" moments and sometimes it's too late to overcome them. I think I gave into my fear years ago. I had this notion in my head that I wouldn't be able to have kids. Here I am countless years later and living that fear - everyday. I guess you could say it is more like a reoccurring nightmare.

I have insurance now and I fear that I will spend all this money and put my body through treatments and what if it is all for nothing? So yet again I am at crossroad and I have this huge decision to make. Do I go with infertility treatments and spend a thousands of dollars and have a 50/50 shot of becoming a mom or do I spend thousands of dollars and a few years and adopt?

Would my love be as great and immeasurable as a biological moms would? I think it would be. I love all my friends kids and my cousins kids so much. It has been a great joy to see them all grow. I love my Muffin the most, I love her as if she was my own. I can't say what it is that draws me to her. I just know that watching her grow into a teenager has been amazing. I remember seeing her ultrasound, she was just a little peanut, and suddenly she was here, this mini version of my cousin. Love her.

I cannot deny the pull in my heart for adoption.

We would be put under a microscope, every little detail of our lives combed over to check if we would be good parents. The thought of being denied that privilege terrifies me. It makes my heart seize and my chest gets tight and I stop breathing for the briefest of seconds. You know what? Bottom line is we would be awesome parents. We have these huge hearts and there are rooms waiting to be filled. We have amazing family and friends and their love for us is undeniable. Could we afford adoption and legal fees? It would be expensive but can you put a price on love.

We also just treatment a shot and see if it works, just once. I sometimes wrestle with the notion that maybe we are just meant to be childless but when I close my eyes I see a little girl with long blond hair playing with Sam and being scoped up by us. I see her running to her favorite uncle jumping into his arms. I could never walk away from those visions.

I was recently conversing with a friend discussing all these fears I just mentioned. I just want my East Coast sister to know that you are way stronger than your fears. I give you some credit on helping me find the inner me. It is by total chance that we are friends. Our lives could have gone in so many different directions but if not for those two special men we would have never met. I am thankful for that every single day. When your fears are making it hard to breathe remember this:

That has more depth to it then it appears. And one more for us:

The Past Is Never Far

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe I haven't written a post in two months, Holy cow man! I think part is because I was a little down and out. I was looking for work and getting very frustrated with it. Without a job I couldn't really focus 100% on a family. I have been employed for 5 weeks now and I like. It's fairly easy and different than my job in New Jersey. I have people to talk to now, I don't feel so isolated as I did before. I can walk to work, it's 5 blocks away, I get to go home and have lunch with my boys. Things are looking up.  I mean after you've been down so long you can only look up.

We've also just celebrated our first year in California in January, time flies.

It was around this time in February fours years ago that we started to try this whole having a family business. Four years. Four years. I never would have thought that fours years would come and go in a blink of an eye really. This realization just stopped me in my thoughts. First off who really remembers the moment they decide it's time to start a family? Not only do I remember, I can also remember where I was standing in our house. I remember I was a little shocked at first and then so excited, he was ready, we were ready. Then tears every month for the next 30+ months when there was no baby. Tears every time someone announced they were expecting. I can recalled one particular time friends of ours told us they were expecting, I wailed, sobbed and almost screamed. I was unconsolable, I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a red hot knife slicing through  my soul. Why not me? What was so wrong with us? Why did it hurt so bad. And to this very day I still feel so guilty about it. I loved them so very much, the type of friends you can ALWAYS count on. The type of friends that help you pick up the pieces if you let them. I feel so guilty about how I felt. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be happy for us too.

And now we babies are born and we are still childless, watching our friends children grow up, knowing that should we have children they won't grow up with our friends kids, we live a world away it seems at times. A choice we made, I know.

I get so angry sometimes and wonder why this is our burden to bear, what did we do that was so different from everyone else. At times no matter I much I feel that I was meant to be a mom, there are times when, I agree, our burden to bear is to be childless. It will be whatever it is meant to be.

Back To The Beginning

Well,  on January 7th it will be a year since we packed our life up in a truck and drove out to California with the hopes of finding happiness and a better life. Since then we have successfully moved from La Habra to Long Beach. I have to say I was a bit skeptical about moving here. Now that we've settled in, it feels like home and by home I mean it reminds me of living in Roselle Park. I love it, we are really a walk from Downtown and it's really neat to watch Dexter and see the same buildings that are right out our front door.

One of the reasons I chose to the title "Back To The Beginning" is because at times I feel I have drifted from the main focus of this blog. This February it will be 4 years of trying. Even as I type those words, read those words I do feel a bit of shock and sadness. You would think by now that something has got to give. I think of all the options and it breaks my heart because at this moment there really are not any options we could never afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Even if we could there is the possibility that IVF or surrogacy won't work or the adoption could fall through and there are no second chances financially. To be honest I believe something in our lives is off and that is what is keeping us from this dream. Whether it be job wise or some bad juju that is being wished upon us we need to fix something in ourselves for any of it to work. I know that some might think that that is hokey or whatever but, it's my belief and I am entitled to it. And I really am a bit of a mess right now. Job hunting blows, and the isolation of not working or making new friends has made me an emotional disaster. I have made a safety net for myself. I don't reach out to all of my friends like I should. I feel like a little child sometimes, I have a speak when spoken to mentality. I guess in a way I let thinks hurt more than they should. I mean I'm creeping on 34 and I really did think my life would be a bit different then it is right now. Please don't take this as a cry for pity or attention. That is not what I am about. I am a firm believer that only I can change the way I feel. If I want to feel better then I need to shake off my own self pity. Damn I really need a tattoo, that always makes me feel soooo much better.

The other reason, the main reason for this particular post is that while I may be vocal about my personal struggle with infertility others are not. I feel other couples, women mostly, might feel it's taboo to talk about. I know others that have struggled quietly with this. It is a very isolating feeling. How do you go up to a friend (especially if they have children) and say "I'm infertile" or how do you deflect those questions from friends and family "When are you going to start a family?" or "The holidays would be so much better if you had kids." You feel very awkward and defeated. You don't want to be rude and make the other person feel bad by blurting out "Yea, my uterus doesn't work so no kids for us! Lol!" It's frustration and annoying, even more so when someone doesn't take that hint that you don't want to discuss it.

I also think that other infertile women can tell it someone else it going through it. I know because it's happened twice. Those two have gone on to have successful IVF and are now blessed with beautiful children. If you feel like you can share your story with just one person that is not your spouse, do it. It's good for your soul. Never feel like you are alone you would be surprised as to how many couples are in your same position. Don't let it control your life, I have and it is a very hard thing to shake off, push to the back of your mind just so you can enjoy life. I actually write this with one person in mind and I hope they read it.

***I forgot to mention another couple that we had the pleasure of meeting. Although they finally conceived naturally they did not have an easy pregnancy but they have a beautiful boy and I am thankful to have become friends with them****

All The Pretty Lights

I'm not sure how this blog is really going to turn out. I've been back and forth about posting anything about the damage from Hurricane Sandy.

Let me first just start off by telling you that no matter where I go in my life New Jersey will always have my heart, my love and my soul. So being 2800 miles away from my friends and family has stirred emotions that I feel that I shouldn't have. I wasn't there when the devastation hit so why do I feel like my heart was ripped from my chest? At moments I feel that I do not have the right to feel that way. But logic wins. I do. I have been watching tons of media images and videos showing what is left of a place that created so many memories.

I have been going to Seaside Heights and Lavallette for as long as I can remember. No matter where you live in New Jersey you visit the Jersey Shore. I remember spending weekends at my grandparents in Toms River and at night we would go over the bridge to Seaside. I remember that excitement as you go over the bridge and you see all the pretty lights, lights that just invited you, welcomed you. They seemed to shout "Magic." I recalled my mother sharing her memories of when she was a child going to Seaside with her family. I remember her saying that the bridge was made out of wood! It scared her to go over that rickety bridge so she would close her eyes. I personally enjoyed when we got stuck on the bridge because it was raised. It was so cool to see it go up and down and watched the boats pass through. We would go to Lucky Leo's and play skee ball. Stop by Mid-Way for their ever so yummy sandwiches, play mini-golf, ride the rides and eat cotton candy. I recall having a stock pile of coins and tickets at home because my mom really wanted to trade them in for a Corning Ware dish. I thing she even got turkey salt and pepper shakers too. She still puts them out every Thanksgiving. I bet some of my cousins didn't know that. Sometimes my cousin Missy would take me and my brother there during the week just to switch up our routine.

If it wasn't going to my grandparents it would be the Spricigos beach house on San Fernando Dr in Lavallette. It was right across from the Monterey Mini Golf. We loved that mini golf. I think one of the reasons was that big water tower there. I remember us throwing stones just the hear the sound. Spend a day at the beach and sometimes head over to Point Pleasant boardwalk.

Of course as you grow up you do those things less and less. You start your own memories with your friends. For North/Central Jersey prom weekend was spent in Seaside. And of course my friends and joined the norm. I think about it now and laugh, we did some silly things that weekend. It was cold and rainy too. And then after high school, if we weren't going to NYC we were going to Seaside or Asbury Park. More crazy times and memories to go along with them. Asbury Park is where I meet my husband. The club we met at has long since been gone. It's a parking lot now. When our relationship started getting serious and we moved in together, we moved to Seaside Park, on 14th Ave. We lived there from September of 2002 to May of 2003. When it rained the road on the Bayside (Bayview) always flooded. We got a pretty decent amount of snow that winter too. So much snow that our friends Jay and Megan who only lived 7 blocks away got snowed in with us! The next morning we all bundled up and went exploring, we walked to the beach and the snow drifts had covered fence posts. It was a memorable time. After that we moved back across the bridge. I tried really hard to stay on the beach but we could find a rental that was big enough.

My apologies I did not intend that trip down memory lane to get as detailed and long as it did. Suffice to say I have made memories there. I am not the only one and know this not every house is just a summer rental. People planted roots there, saved up to live quietly my sea. Mother Nature is an amazing and fickle creature. For all the beauty she provides she also has to power to take it back. That is what happened with Hurricane Sandy. For whatever reason Mother Nature gave the sea to power take it all back. Now all of us that grew going to all the different shore towns, that brought life to those sandy beaches are left with memories of what was. It will never be the same. Our children will not know the Shore as we did. They will grow up and make their own memories of the new Jersey Shore.

The past week has just been filled with these jaw dropping images of not only New Jersey but New York City, Queens and Staten Island. They were all hit hard by the storm. Living on the Northeastern coast I believe we think that hurricanes can't hit us like this. As much as people prepared the areas in general weren't. It was a conversation with my cousin Missy that enlightened me. She and her family now live in Florida. The state itself is ready, electrical boxes are kept underground and poles are made out of stone. In Jersey there are above ground and made out of wood. Scary points for us were not being able to get in touch with family and some friends. All we could see is that it's gone.

It took two before was able to speak with my family. They live in Union county, and still today they are without power. I realized when speaking to my parents they didn't know how bad it really was. With no power, all the stores closed so no newspaper. It was so hard to tell them that so much was gone and that it would never be the same. Even my friend Malissa who lives in Point Pleasant and her mom whose house in on the beach in Manasquan, were in the dark. They could only see the destruction in front of them. They own a restaurant and for the last three or more days they started their own soup kitchen so to speak. Making hot meals for residents of Manasquan and relief workers. They also collected donations for their area. My heart breaks everyday and I wish I could have been there, be there. If you ever went to NJ please donate. Yes, Jerseyans can be gruff but we actually have hearts of gold. For all the jokes that are made about our little state, we take because we are made of stronger stuff. Here a few places that you can go to help the East Coast: If you are on the West Coast go to SendingSunshine.org. Also on Facebook you can go to Restore the Shore and buy their shirts and such. And of course you have the RedCross.org. Don't forget our furry friends aspca.org.

Dani California

I didn't think I would writing a new blog so soon! The truth is I have been feeling homesick and quite miserable this week. Going back East was all I could think about, I was so lonely and lost. I was slowly letting it consume me. I was missing so many people and things. I was looking everyday to see if could find a cheap flight to go and visit. But with the impending move (hopefully) it just wasn't in the cards. Hopefully after the new year we can visit. Maybe we'll make a trip up to Northern California instead. We shall see. I reached out to someone who could relate. I asked her how she did it. Even though her move was only about two hours from where she grew up, I knew she felt homesick at times too. She cheered me up, as such is her nature, in her own unique way. She also told me to remember all the reasons I left. Such simple words but they meant so much. Thank you Danielle!

I love my family and friends so much so it can be very hard at times to be so far away from people that were/are such and important part of your life. I think did we make the right choice? Was it in vain? Did it happen just a little too fast? I would answer yes and no to all of those questions. Life is what you make it and the roads you choose are what makes life so interesting. I don't regret the move and I never will. I followed my heart. I won't live my life looking back at that moment thinking we should have stayed. Maybe one day the road will lead back to New Jersey or somewhere else on the East Coast. I took a risk and I am grateful that I even had the opportunity to do it.

Now it's been well over a year since we made that choice, since we started that travel blog and started giving away parts of our life in the home we had made. I can't believe how fast it's going by. Although I am not closer at this point to being a mom. I have had the time to search deep inside and think about so many different things. I have felt bruised and broken always asking "Why?" I have also felt complete and at peace. I'm happy and the best things are yet to be.

This is shorter than I intended it to be, however, I'll save the rest for another blog. Sooner rather than later.

Hope, I just Need A Ray Of That

So it's been awhile. I kept meaning to write but every time i sat down, I just couldn't get the works out. I didn't know where I wanted to go with this post and this blog. I had actually thought about not writing it anymore. I mean you get the point we're infertile and sucks. Boo fricking hoo. So whether or not people read this, I do it for me and if people do read it and can relate well that's a bonus. It's very natural for a woman struggling with infertility to cry or be upset when someone announces their pregnancy. I know I do. It doesn't matter how much I love that couple or how genuinely happy I am for them, it hurts every time. Yesterday was different. Someone announced they were expecting and I didn't cry or get mad. I laughed. I was so surprised and elated and a smile just didn't fit that moment so I laughed. I kept thinking I should be crying or yelling but I couldn't help but feel so happy. I don't know why. I've known her since I was 4 or 5. We haven't seen each other in years but she has reached out to me just to let me know she was there and so was her mom. Now I'm crying, go figure. We grew up together and grew apart in high school. And I can remember how hurt I was thinking that she changed and I had stayed the same. The truth was we both did. I look back at our "break-up" and everything she said was right. I changed first, I drifted away first. I can't believe it took me so long to see it. It's funny how open your mind becomes when you stop at look at yourself. So thank you my friend for having that big heart of yours. My mom says congratulations by the way and she probably already told Nanny, lol. Wow this was not the direction I saw this going when I sat down. It needed to be said. I wanted to do this whole thing on things not to say to infertile couples. But I can save that for another times.

Lost in the Crowd

I waited to write this blog because I wanted to find out about our insurance plan. We received the packet that gives a basic outline of the coverage. I looked through it and it stated that infertility treatments may or may not be covered and if they are covered it would only be partial. It was like a punch in the gut. At the same time I was not surprised. So today I call the insurance company and found out for sure. They will pay to diagnose. They do not pay for infertility treatments. I knew that when we moved out here to start a better life, to follow our hearts, that I would be taking a huge risk changing insurance plans. I left behind one that would pay for everything to one that leaves me speechless. Did I make the wrong choice? Everything pointed to here. I don't even know how to feel right now. So I guess we'll have the testing done again. Maybe a second opinion will help. But then again there isn't not much we would be able to afford if we did get a diagnosis. It's just one day at a time at this point. That's all I really have to say. Sorry it's so short. I just wanted to update the blog.I know it should be longer. I should being expressing my anger, frustrations, sadness, etc. I just don't have it in me. I had prepared myself for this moment. It has now come and gone and I just have to surrender myself to life as it is. I have to have faith from this point on that everything I have done was for nothing.

Anniversary Blog

I really want to take a step back from this up and down roller coaster of emotions and focus on the one thing that endures...love. Today is our five year wedding anniversary but we've been together much longer than that. So let's go back, to 1997. I know as some of you read this you might think that it's really mushy and a bit of overkill to be so in love. I don't care, I am happy and honest enough to admit how I feel and not feel ashamed to express it. Love is a very powerful emotion. I believe it is stronger then hate. Nanny use to say, "You can never hate someone, because you have to have loved them first." And "Don't say you hate, say you dislike intensely." A very wise woman and 30 years later I still remember them. She's taught me a lot and I am forever thankful.

So back to the story. This sounds cliche but it is true, From the first moment I saw Lenny I was immediately pulled to him. Yes, we were still in our teens and yes he was dating my friend. That does not mean we couldn't be friends. So friends we were. I just remember seeing him for the first time and thinking that I have to meet him. He was with a group of his friends so I pointed out the whole group and then I heard "That's my boyfriend Lenny." I remember being a little embarrassed, of course this would be my luck. Amanda and Lenny broke up a few months after that but, still remand friends. I wold see I'm every weekend starting on Friday in Asbury Park and then Saturday night at whatever party was going on. We had fun. As time moved forward we became closer friends. We shared happiness and heartbreak. He stayed single for a while and I started dating. I remember when I introduced Lenny to my boyfriend, Lenny was not a fan and no one my other friends were either. The boyfriend was not a fan on my friendship with Lenny at all. He thought Lenny and I were having a secret relationship. That was crazy talk, I did not drive and Lenny lived an hour away and I spent almost everyday with the boyfriend. He broke up with me a few days before Christmas. His reasons were absurd, I was in love with Lenny (not at the time, we really were friends) and that I was too expensive to date (I paid for everything). The reason I believe is that he was cheating on me with his ex. I think the best line he said was "Hey maybe if we run into each other again and we're single we can get back together." Umm, no.

So after that disaster I just spent more time with my girls and with Lenny. I was in denial with my feelings for him. All my relationships went for bad to worse and I was not thinking about starting a new one at that time. But as you know how I want my life to go and how it actually goes are very different things. I came home from a weekend of partying and was talking to my friend Colleen (yes we have the same name) I was telling her about it and what Lenny and I did and how much fun we had. She told me I was in love with him. I laughed at her and insisted we were just friends. After I got off the phone with her it hit and I knew it was all over. We started to spend even more time with each other. We would to parties without our friends and of course everyone could see what was happening. So in June of 1999 we became a couple. We've been together ever since.

We moved in together in August of 2002 in Seaside Park and then moved to Lakewood followed by our first apartment without room mates in Toms River. After that we bought our house in South Toms River and now here we are in La Habra, California. Each of those places has their own unique stories and memories. They shaped us to who we are today. We continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. On September 9,2006 we went camping to Lake George, NY. It was the first time Lenny ever went camping. It was a very long drive and Lenny seems very anxious. We left at 10pm to drive up there to meet our other friends. We got lost and finally made it to the campsite at 3am. I was very tired and went right to sleep. Lenny stayed up with a few of our friends. Maybe a half hour later he wakes me up. Tells me I have to go see the lake...really?! It's 3am I am not going to see squat. But he insisted and that's when I knew my life was going to change. I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. You would think I would be happy but at that moment my first thought was that this a$$hole is waking me up, I feel dirty, I had no make up on and he wants to propose. I caved and went along with him. He takes me into the woods it's pitch black and he starts running. I felt like I was in a horror movie. We finally get to this clearing with a table with a radio on it and he sits me down. He says how much he loves me and that he made this song me. He presses play and our favorite Rise Against song plays and at the end he asks to marry me. Of course I said yes otherwise the title of this blog would be silly. It was not how I pictured it to be but, it was an evening I won't forget.

Eight months later on May 19, 2007 I married my best friend and I am so blessed. It all started with our love for music. Out of all our aspects of our wedding that we could be anal about it was the music we focused on. Since then we've shared our love for movies and art and everything in between. Every day is a gift. Everyday is an experience and whether we both live to see 100 or die tomorrow I will love him forever even after my heart stops beating. So happy anniversary to my best friend and thank you for each and everyday.