21 Days

I had a moment of hesitation when I decided to write this particular blog. I thought what could I possibly say  now that I haven't said before, but the thing is I don't care if I sound like a broken record and if anyone reads this. Obviously I will post it to be read but I have realized now more then ever that this is for me and me alone. This is my therapy my little way to cope with this affliction that life has saddled me with.

So here I sit almost 8 months since I last posted. And I haven't posted for so long simply because there was nothing to say. Nothing had moved forward or backward. Everything was just stagnant, but always hopeful. Always and forever waiting for that little ray of hope in this ever agonizing journey. There was definitely  a moment when I thought what had I done in my life or past life or whatever that was so awful that I should be made to want, to need the one thing that would fill that empty space. My body was just simply designed to not work that way.

I am now so very much annoyed with the way this is going. Filling this page with sweet words to soften the way I feel, to draw sympathy. Being all emotional and watching logic just walk right out the door. All these words are just meant to draw you in so you can feel my pain because at times I want you to hurt just as much as I do. That sounds so horrible and immature of me but, it is so human of me too. I'm sorry (sort of) to be so blunt and honest but I have walked a good portion of my life treading carefully around others and keeping things bottled up and I'm done. As I stated earlier this little blog is for me to cope with being childless for no good reason.

Moving on. So thinking that I needed so pretty amazing karma for this dream to become a reality I started doing things for strangers. First it was just buying everyone coffee  that were behind me in line. I did that a lot and from time to time I still do. After awhile it just wasn't gratifying enough so, I moved on. Now Long Beach, in my ever so humble opinion, is the mecca for the homeless. There are so many. I started buying gift cards for groceries and giving them out. I remember the first time I bought a gift card so my husband to give it away. He gave it to this hippy looking guy with tattoos and he was thankful but, it was his girlfriend who almost cried. I still smile when I think about it. Lenny still "pays it forward" from time to time. He is my soul mate, the constant and unwavering love of my life. 15 years up amazing highs and soul crushing blows. One is always there to pick the other up. So after awhile I stopped giving a shit about karma. I stopped thinking that I was going to rack up all these "good deeds" points and swing life into my favor. The reality is, I'm not doing a good deed, I am being human. I am no better then the person next to me.

I digress. I have rambled on for far too long, not even touching the reason that I started to write. It happens. Sometimes you start to write with one intention and end up writing something completely different.

So I am frustrated. and I had thought it would be bad luck to write this but we've been trying to conceive for 5 and a half years so what bad luck could we possible get from writing this. 21 days this the amount of days that I am late. No positive pregnancy tests. I've taken 3 all different brands. So I made an appointment for today to make sure. What did they have me do, pee in a cup. Which by the way I happened to spill all over myself. Luckily there was just enough left to test. Another negative. What the holy hell is this garbage. The doctor just told me to test again next week. All I could think is what for it will be negative. Day 28 will be no different that days 7,14,15,17 and 21. So now I just have to wait yet another week for disappointment. This is beyond annoying, and I am a little made at myself. I should have waited make the appointment. I am so silly some times to think that this would be at all easy. I know better. It will be filled with medications that make me feel like crap, procedures to make me feel like a biology experiment where I am poked and prodding at. Sigh. I feel better I guess.

There Ain't Nothing Like Regret To Remind You You're Alive

Time has this silly habit of flying by. Time it does all sorts of crazy things to you.  It makes the greatest time of your life fly by but, Time can make  those hard times drag on and seem endless and unbearable. We are only given a set amount of time in this world of ours. What do we do with what we have?

We can get stuck in these loops of fear about decisions we could have, should have, would have made. Did we make the right choice for this or that? Should we have decided this earlier? In the same respect there are the "what ifs." We are all guilty of giving into our fears at one time or another, myself included.

If you let your fears take control you will be stuck with those "What if" moments and sometimes it's too late to overcome them. I think I gave into my fear years ago. I had this notion in my head that I wouldn't be able to have kids. Here I am countless years later and living that fear - everyday. I guess you could say it is more like a reoccurring nightmare.

I have insurance now and I fear that I will spend all this money and put my body through treatments and what if it is all for nothing? So yet again I am at crossroad and I have this huge decision to make. Do I go with infertility treatments and spend a thousands of dollars and have a 50/50 shot of becoming a mom or do I spend thousands of dollars and a few years and adopt?

Would my love be as great and immeasurable as a biological moms would? I think it would be. I love all my friends kids and my cousins kids so much. It has been a great joy to see them all grow. I love my Muffin the most, I love her as if she was my own. I can't say what it is that draws me to her. I just know that watching her grow into a teenager has been amazing. I remember seeing her ultrasound, she was just a little peanut, and suddenly she was here, this mini version of my cousin. Love her.

I cannot deny the pull in my heart for adoption.

We would be put under a microscope, every little detail of our lives combed over to check if we would be good parents. The thought of being denied that privilege terrifies me. It makes my heart seize and my chest gets tight and I stop breathing for the briefest of seconds. You know what? Bottom line is we would be awesome parents. We have these huge hearts and there are rooms waiting to be filled. We have amazing family and friends and their love for us is undeniable. Could we afford adoption and legal fees? It would be expensive but can you put a price on love.

We also just treatment a shot and see if it works, just once. I sometimes wrestle with the notion that maybe we are just meant to be childless but when I close my eyes I see a little girl with long blond hair playing with Sam and being scoped up by us. I see her running to her favorite uncle jumping into his arms. I could never walk away from those visions.

I was recently conversing with a friend discussing all these fears I just mentioned. I just want my East Coast sister to know that you are way stronger than your fears. I give you some credit on helping me find the inner me. It is by total chance that we are friends. Our lives could have gone in so many different directions but if not for those two special men we would have never met. I am thankful for that every single day. When your fears are making it hard to breathe remember this:

That has more depth to it then it appears. And one more for us:

Back To The Beginning

Well,  on January 7th it will be a year since we packed our life up in a truck and drove out to California with the hopes of finding happiness and a better life. Since then we have successfully moved from La Habra to Long Beach. I have to say I was a bit skeptical about moving here. Now that we've settled in, it feels like home and by home I mean it reminds me of living in Roselle Park. I love it, we are really a walk from Downtown and it's really neat to watch Dexter and see the same buildings that are right out our front door.

One of the reasons I chose to the title "Back To The Beginning" is because at times I feel I have drifted from the main focus of this blog. This February it will be 4 years of trying. Even as I type those words, read those words I do feel a bit of shock and sadness. You would think by now that something has got to give. I think of all the options and it breaks my heart because at this moment there really are not any options we could never afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Even if we could there is the possibility that IVF or surrogacy won't work or the adoption could fall through and there are no second chances financially. To be honest I believe something in our lives is off and that is what is keeping us from this dream. Whether it be job wise or some bad juju that is being wished upon us we need to fix something in ourselves for any of it to work. I know that some might think that that is hokey or whatever but, it's my belief and I am entitled to it. And I really am a bit of a mess right now. Job hunting blows, and the isolation of not working or making new friends has made me an emotional disaster. I have made a safety net for myself. I don't reach out to all of my friends like I should. I feel like a little child sometimes, I have a speak when spoken to mentality. I guess in a way I let thinks hurt more than they should. I mean I'm creeping on 34 and I really did think my life would be a bit different then it is right now. Please don't take this as a cry for pity or attention. That is not what I am about. I am a firm believer that only I can change the way I feel. If I want to feel better then I need to shake off my own self pity. Damn I really need a tattoo, that always makes me feel soooo much better.

The other reason, the main reason for this particular post is that while I may be vocal about my personal struggle with infertility others are not. I feel other couples, women mostly, might feel it's taboo to talk about. I know others that have struggled quietly with this. It is a very isolating feeling. How do you go up to a friend (especially if they have children) and say "I'm infertile" or how do you deflect those questions from friends and family "When are you going to start a family?" or "The holidays would be so much better if you had kids." You feel very awkward and defeated. You don't want to be rude and make the other person feel bad by blurting out "Yea, my uterus doesn't work so no kids for us! Lol!" It's frustration and annoying, even more so when someone doesn't take that hint that you don't want to discuss it.

I also think that other infertile women can tell it someone else it going through it. I know because it's happened twice. Those two have gone on to have successful IVF and are now blessed with beautiful children. If you feel like you can share your story with just one person that is not your spouse, do it. It's good for your soul. Never feel like you are alone you would be surprised as to how many couples are in your same position. Don't let it control your life, I have and it is a very hard thing to shake off, push to the back of your mind just so you can enjoy life. I actually write this with one person in mind and I hope they read it.

***I forgot to mention another couple that we had the pleasure of meeting. Although they finally conceived naturally they did not have an easy pregnancy but they have a beautiful boy and I am thankful to have become friends with them****

Untitiled

The last time I wrote a blog I was talking about growing up on the Jersey Shore and no matter where in the world life may take me Jersey will always be home. They have already started rebuilding. On 12-12-12 Chase hosted a benefit concert for Sandy victims and it was amazing to watch. This was one of my favorite performances:

I have been back in forth in my mind about this next topic: Sandy Hook Elementary. Two days after this concert a shooting happened at this school that left 20 first graders and 6 school officials dead. I just want to say that there is no easy answer to this. I will say that the medias coverage is sickening. Stop talking about the shooter and his home life. You are glorifying a monster and that makes you no better. You point the finger everywhere else but take no part of the blame for creating someone like this. You plaster his face everywhere and you think that does not light a fire in someone else? It makes me so mad that I cannot even continue to list all the reasons you stink.

Here is how SNL paid tribute to these families:

And The Voice:

I do not have any children but I have seen mothers bury sons from ages newborn to 32 and there is no accurate way to describe that grief. I will not pretend that I know how they might feel. I think though it would be described as having your soul crushed. Which brings me to let it be known my absolute disgust for the WBC who had planned to picket the funerals saying that it was Gods hand. Really?! You are morons:

Mark 10:13-16

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

Moving on.. So today is the end of the world, according to the Mayans. I saw this from Malissa and needed to share

And 

Over and Over Again

First off I just want to state how much I hate that I use the word "journey" so much. Yes indeed this is a journey however, that word makes it sound like I am in some magical world and everything is all unicorns and seahorses. It's not it freaking sucks so much sometimes, well most times. On a side note unicorns and seahorses do rule.

OK, moving on. I just spent a week in sunny Florida with my family for my aunt and uncles 50th wedding anniversary. It was also her husbands parents 50th as well so a big party was planned. It was a crazy and fun week. I stayed with my cousin Missy and her family. I was so excited to be there! I haven't visited the Sunshine State in about ten years and it was great to be back. I would visit them almost every year. Missy and her husband Allen have six kids between them. The youngest is Sarah and she's 3 the oldest is Brian and he's 23. Needless to say it was crazy.

So many things went through my head that week. One of which was "How do they do it?!" I left LAX at 11:20 pm and arrived in West Palm Saturday at noon. I was exhausted and wired at the same time. Missy and RP picked me up with the 3 youngest. It was a bit of a culture shock for me. I just left my tiny very quiet apartment and was now about to be immersed in house full of people. Among other adventures that week brought it also included 2 songs being sung over and over and over again. Here is one:

And this is the second:

I feel it is only fair that all of you should be able to enjoy it as well. I really wish I had recorded Sarah singing the last one. She puts some soul into it I guess you would say. Love her. I now share a story that happened a few minutes before I arrived. The 3 younger ones wanted slushies so AJ (he will be 5 in November) accidentally broke the handle and slushie continued to rain down. Missy is freaking out and is just filling up cup after cup. RP walks away and finally 2 pilots came and helped stop the rain of slushie. Best story ever.

I was a little sad that Megan wasn't with them.  I was thinking that she was going to run and give me a hug. I don't know what I was thinking. My little Muffin isn't so little anymore. She's 13 and is almost as tall as me. She's a soccer freak and so in love with One Direction. When I say that she is in love with them I am putting it mildly. We did have fun together being goofballs. I saw her play soccer and went school shopping with her. That was interesting. I would pick out folders and such that I thought she would like and they were all met with a no. She preferred plain solid colors to anything that had a little funk to them!

We also had to sharpen 48 pencils for Emily for first grade. 48! I remember when all you needed were 2 #2's. She also needed paper, paper towels, tissues, disinfecting wipes, six packs of crayons, the list goes on. I don't remember needing half that stuff. Emily has a big heart and smart for her age. She has a great imagination too. We would go everyday to the neighbor across the street to let their dog out and suck. Fancy is the smallest chihuahua I have encounter yet. I think maybe she weighed 5 pounds. She was sweet too and most little dogs like that are very nice. At least the ones I have encountered. Emily would feed her, check her water and play with her everyday. There is way more that goes with the Fancy story but I will leave that alone.

I spent most of the time swimming with the kids and my parents. AJ was calling me Alex for the first 3 days. He eventually got it right. They are great kids and make me laugh with all their questions and thoughts on the way things work. I also fell in love with whiskey sours. My Dad makes the best ones. I've made them since I've been home and they just don't taste the same. I can't believe no one ever told me about this awesomeness before!

It was relaxing and crazy at the same time. I think by day four I had decided that I didn't want kids. There was always something up and I was thinking I don't think I'm cut out for this! It was sort of a relief. I felt like I had been holding my breath for three and a half years. I had made up my mind. I was over this whole being a parent thing. I was just going to move on. I was so over it, all of it.

So moving on, the night before the party Emily and I were watching TV and we saw this huge bug flying all over the place and realized it was a grasshopper. I was thinking hell no am I going to be the one that catches this thing. Everyone else except for Megan was asleep. So I figured Megan can do this and when I asked her she had all the confidence that she could. So wrong. So, so wrong. It touched her hand and she FREAKED out and screamed and ran away. I put on my big girl pants and caught it with a cup and a piece of paper and set it free outside. I was quite proud of myself and the girls were impressed as well. Oh and Missy and Allen heard what was happening and sat in their room laughing. Gotta love my family :-)

The party was great. I love spending time with my family. The day of the party Allison and Wendy (Brian's girlfriend) and myself had to go and pick up two cakes and two trays of cookies for the club. Wendy got off lucky with the smaller lemon cake. I on the other hand had to hold this full on chocolate half sheet cake on my lap. A half a sheet cake feeds about 50 people it that helps. It was heavy and we had to keep the car ice cold. That wasn't that bad at first but by the time we were halfway back to the house all three of us were freezing. That cake was so heavy I couldn't even get out of the truck. Never a dull moment, love it!

My parents and I were leaving the day after the party very early in the morning. So the end of the night was a little bittersweet. I love being in California but it is hard being so far from my family. I missed them all and I hadn't even left yet. Needless to say my flight was postponed until Monday morning so I had an extra day. Having the extra day was great but I had already said all my goodbyes and now I had to do it twice. I love them all so much and can't wait to see them again.

Wait, did you actually believe I didn't want to have a kids anymore?! Fat chance! The moment I was on that plane I knew I could never ever give up. I missed them and all that craziness. Being there actually made it all real. I want to be a mom and everything that comes with it!

Hope, I just Need A Ray Of That

So it's been awhile. I kept meaning to write but every time i sat down, I just couldn't get the works out. I didn't know where I wanted to go with this post and this blog. I had actually thought about not writing it anymore. I mean you get the point we're infertile and sucks. Boo fricking hoo. So whether or not people read this, I do it for me and if people do read it and can relate well that's a bonus. It's very natural for a woman struggling with infertility to cry or be upset when someone announces their pregnancy. I know I do. It doesn't matter how much I love that couple or how genuinely happy I am for them, it hurts every time. Yesterday was different. Someone announced they were expecting and I didn't cry or get mad. I laughed. I was so surprised and elated and a smile just didn't fit that moment so I laughed. I kept thinking I should be crying or yelling but I couldn't help but feel so happy. I don't know why. I've known her since I was 4 or 5. We haven't seen each other in years but she has reached out to me just to let me know she was there and so was her mom. Now I'm crying, go figure. We grew up together and grew apart in high school. And I can remember how hurt I was thinking that she changed and I had stayed the same. The truth was we both did. I look back at our "break-up" and everything she said was right. I changed first, I drifted away first. I can't believe it took me so long to see it. It's funny how open your mind becomes when you stop at look at yourself. So thank you my friend for having that big heart of yours. My mom says congratulations by the way and she probably already told Nanny, lol. Wow this was not the direction I saw this going when I sat down. It needed to be said. I wanted to do this whole thing on things not to say to infertile couples. But I can save that for another times.

Lost in the Crowd

I waited to write this blog because I wanted to find out about our insurance plan. We received the packet that gives a basic outline of the coverage. I looked through it and it stated that infertility treatments may or may not be covered and if they are covered it would only be partial. It was like a punch in the gut. At the same time I was not surprised. So today I call the insurance company and found out for sure. They will pay to diagnose. They do not pay for infertility treatments. I knew that when we moved out here to start a better life, to follow our hearts, that I would be taking a huge risk changing insurance plans. I left behind one that would pay for everything to one that leaves me speechless. Did I make the wrong choice? Everything pointed to here. I don't even know how to feel right now. So I guess we'll have the testing done again. Maybe a second opinion will help. But then again there isn't not much we would be able to afford if we did get a diagnosis. It's just one day at a time at this point. That's all I really have to say. Sorry it's so short. I just wanted to update the blog.I know it should be longer. I should being expressing my anger, frustrations, sadness, etc. I just don't have it in me. I had prepared myself for this moment. It has now come and gone and I just have to surrender myself to life as it is. I have to have faith from this point on that everything I have done was for nothing.