A Little Update

The last time a wrote a blog was back in July. I spoke of a failed IUI and the heartbreak it caused. I write yet again about a second failed IUI in August.

This heartbreak is different. We talked about what we would do should it fail. Do we continue with treatments or do we stop? When we realized the second IUI failed we made the decision to stop with treatments. I have been on and off different types of hormones for 5 and 1/2 years and I know my body could not handle all the new meds I would have to take if we did IVF. I still get residual effects from clomid (hot flashes, visual disturbances, etc.) and I haven't taken it in months.  It was not an easy decision, it was not as if we threw our hands in the air out of frustration and just walked about. We thought about it for a long time. We mourned the love we wanted most. It was as if we lost someone we cared so deeply for, we went through the stages of grief. I wanted to scream at the sky, why couldn't the thing that I had always dreamed of since before I could remember not be mine.

The thing is we aren't giving up, we are choosing a different road. We choose adoption. And I cannot tell you how freeing it felt to make that decision. It is an option we had been toying with for over a year. It is something I think we both knew was always meant to happen. We have told our families and most of our friends. You all have been so supportive and excited for us, it is truly a privilege to have you be a part of our lives. So now we start a new crazy journey and I couldn't be more excited.

Thanksgiving

     I know the thing to do during the month of November is to say or post one thing you are thankful for everyday.  Some might think it's corny or whatever but, what is so wrong for being thankful? 

This is our second Thanksgiving in California. Our first wasn't the greatest, we had just moved to Long Beach and being the procrastinators that we are, we were still unpacking. That is just one of those things that make us well, us. Money was tight (really tight) but we still found away to have a great home cooked meal. I am thankful for that first year. We learned to appreciate everything we had and never once did we fight about money or our decision to leave everything behind and start fresh. I am thankful for my husband and our Sammy. They make our little dwelling a home. They make my heart fill with love so much that it almost bursts. I would be lost without them. Yes it was definitely hard to not be surrounded by family and friends and we'll probably always feel a little sadness around the holidays but we know we are loved, everyday.

I am thankful for All my friends. If I've met you when I was four, a teenager or a woman grown. You have all left you're marks on my soul. I've learned so many new things from all of you. If we are the closest of friends or just friends for just a season. I am grateful to have met you. Friends are amazing people, they walk into your life and make an impression that lasts a lifetime. Most are more like family. I love you so very much.

   


I am thankful for ALL my aunts and uncles, am I blessed to have so many of you wonderful people. It is equivalent to having extra sets of parents. They each have a different story and taught me different things along the way. Some have moved on from this world, I miss them very much.

I am thankful for my cousins, there are just way to many of you to count! It's like have all the brothers and sisters a girl could ever ask for. Some are old and some are younger. It has been a pure joy to have Each and Every one of you in my life and watch you all grow and become your own person. You are all each unique and yet well all have something in common, family. Our love for our families is paramount. We are blessed.

I am thankful for my grandparents. They loved me for me. I've learned to love musicals, ballet, to dance, to cook, to sing, to knit and sew and to love everything creature and animal. They gave me insight as to how my parents were shaped as people and how that has shaped me. We've shared secrets and many loving memories.

I am every so grateful for my parents. They have shown me love and courage. They worked hard to provide for me and my brother. They taught us to be silly, have fun. They taught us how to be responsible and that family is important. Family will always pick you up. Family never leaves, falters or fails. More importantly that no matter where life might take us we can always go home.


And last but definitely not the least my any means, I am thankful for my brother, my Alex. I love you more that I can put in words. I love you for all the mean things you did to me (as was and still is your birth rite, being the oldest). I love you for the sweet things you have done for me. I still have the ceramic Care Bear you paint for me for Christmas. I thank you for that infectious smile you have. You should flash it more often. You are the craziest person I know, with that huge heart of yours. Always forgiving. All the memories we have created, the joy, heartbreak, loss and love we have shared have created to imperfectly perfect siblings. I wouldn't trade you for the world. Never in a million years.


So to all of you be thankful for all you have and even what you don't. Be thankful for today, to be able to share food and drink and laughter and love. Hugs and kisses to you all. Happy Thanksgiving.

Just a Dream

I had a dream last night. I have had similar dreams that felt real like this but this one felt too real. From what I remember we were back in NJ and back in the house but the house was different but the same. The living room was bright and airy and the kitchen was my parents kitchen. We had six dogs: two corgi's, two bichon frise's and two mini husky's. What they had to do with anything, I don't know but I remember them. So in the dream I wake up and Lenny is there and he asks if I want to hold our son. I ask him "We had the baby?" and he says "yes". He hands me our  six day old son. I could feel his little body, the beat of his heart and the warmth of his skin. I was thinking that this really happened. It felt so REAL. I ask if it was natural or did I have a C-section. Lenny says it was a C-section and they had to cut my leg open. I reached down and I could feel the stitches through my pants. I ask Lenny what did we name him and I saw the name Kennedy written somewhere and hoping that wasn't the name. He tells me "Richard Cameron". Lenny shows me where all the bottles and formula are and how to do the measurements. I thinking about where all this came from I don't remember even going into labor much less having a baby shower. Next thing I knew we were on a train going to Asbury with Jay and Megan and Jenny and Anna. Megan was talking about how she didn't like her job, so I told her to leave and do something else. She's says she did and that she is going to be an intern. Then I woke up and I woke up with wanting nothing more then to fall back asleep. However Sam was whining to go out so up and out I must take him and settle into the bitter reality that it was only a dream.

There Ain't Nothing Like Regret To Remind You You're Alive

Time has this silly habit of flying by. Time it does all sorts of crazy things to you.  It makes the greatest time of your life fly by but, Time can make  those hard times drag on and seem endless and unbearable. We are only given a set amount of time in this world of ours. What do we do with what we have?

We can get stuck in these loops of fear about decisions we could have, should have, would have made. Did we make the right choice for this or that? Should we have decided this earlier? In the same respect there are the "what ifs." We are all guilty of giving into our fears at one time or another, myself included.

If you let your fears take control you will be stuck with those "What if" moments and sometimes it's too late to overcome them. I think I gave into my fear years ago. I had this notion in my head that I wouldn't be able to have kids. Here I am countless years later and living that fear - everyday. I guess you could say it is more like a reoccurring nightmare.

I have insurance now and I fear that I will spend all this money and put my body through treatments and what if it is all for nothing? So yet again I am at crossroad and I have this huge decision to make. Do I go with infertility treatments and spend a thousands of dollars and have a 50/50 shot of becoming a mom or do I spend thousands of dollars and a few years and adopt?

Would my love be as great and immeasurable as a biological moms would? I think it would be. I love all my friends kids and my cousins kids so much. It has been a great joy to see them all grow. I love my Muffin the most, I love her as if she was my own. I can't say what it is that draws me to her. I just know that watching her grow into a teenager has been amazing. I remember seeing her ultrasound, she was just a little peanut, and suddenly she was here, this mini version of my cousin. Love her.

I cannot deny the pull in my heart for adoption.

We would be put under a microscope, every little detail of our lives combed over to check if we would be good parents. The thought of being denied that privilege terrifies me. It makes my heart seize and my chest gets tight and I stop breathing for the briefest of seconds. You know what? Bottom line is we would be awesome parents. We have these huge hearts and there are rooms waiting to be filled. We have amazing family and friends and their love for us is undeniable. Could we afford adoption and legal fees? It would be expensive but can you put a price on love.

We also just treatment a shot and see if it works, just once. I sometimes wrestle with the notion that maybe we are just meant to be childless but when I close my eyes I see a little girl with long blond hair playing with Sam and being scoped up by us. I see her running to her favorite uncle jumping into his arms. I could never walk away from those visions.

I was recently conversing with a friend discussing all these fears I just mentioned. I just want my East Coast sister to know that you are way stronger than your fears. I give you some credit on helping me find the inner me. It is by total chance that we are friends. Our lives could have gone in so many different directions but if not for those two special men we would have never met. I am thankful for that every single day. When your fears are making it hard to breathe remember this:

That has more depth to it then it appears. And one more for us: